When I rise up and when I lay down

June 29

When I rise up and when I lay down

In order to be happy with you I have to learn to be happy without you.  I gasp at the pain of it and desperately wish that the above statement were not true, but alas, you are gone in a way that I can never reclaim you and to hold on to what of you is still tentatively available I must release my frightened grasp.  A wisp of smoke is not the bonfire of our past, but it is what remains and I breathe it in as best I can.  Immediately I realize I am holding on again.  I breathe you out, let you go.  I want to run screaming, throwing you from my bonds, yet another of my attempts at control.  So, now it’s time to pray.  Not a prayer to get my way, not a prayer to make you stay, not a prayer to make you gone, just a prayer to live on my own.  G-d help me please to live my life, please guide me away from strife.  I am lost and can’t find my way, Father, hold me til the light of day.

Putty the cracks in your hopes

*

SHIMMER

The water ruffles over metallic sheen

Lap after lap screen the view

And still the gilt reflection shines in my eyes.

Hypnotic, the undulance pulls me near

I stand on the edge, gaze then gawk

I follow the underwater movement and iridescent tremolo

I forget place and time, I lose sight of the fact

Gold isn’t the only thing that shimmers

Sometimes that glint is just a fish

.

Life is full of fins and fantasy

My sponsor suggests--I stop looking for my life

In a wishing well.

Shimmer

July 9

SHIMMER

The water ruffles over metallic sheen, lap after lap screen the view, and still the gilt reflection shines in my eyes.  Hypnotic, the undulence pulls me near.  I stand on the edge, gaze, then gawk; I follow the underwater movements and iridescent tremolo.  I forget place and time. I lose sight of the facts.  Gold isn’t the only thing that shimmers. Sometimes that glint is just a fish.  Life is full of fins and fantasy.  My sponsor suggests I stop looking for my life in a wishing well.

Think of all beans as magical in someway.

*

Special

Is it the wiring between my ears,

the size of the pump in my chest?

The difference which can be seen

when you look from me to the neighbors?

I know that you feel me to be special.

I feel me to be special, too,

just like you.

Defining that thing, that combination

which unlocks the mundane

is more than just an attempt to point a finger,

it’s a search for that little light.

Close and closer we pull together

and that is special but now I will whisper it,

tell you the secret truth is my ability to play.

Come play with me!

Penny for your Thoughts

August 8

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS


There is a penny in the bathtub. I wonder who stood in there with loose change. Possibly confusing it for a wishing well, the penny was tossed in. The stories I could tell, the hopes that tantalize my mind, elves and leprechauns, dreamers and optimists all trundle through my thinking. When I don’t know the answer, I can now at least look for the best, the sweetest thoughts. I don’t run to the dark and threatening disasters. I have lost the lease to my personal black cloud, the one that used to follow wherever I went. I can smile now and think of pennies from heaven. The first drop landed in my tub.


Think of what a spider and a whale have in common.

Shimmer

July 9

SHIMMER


The water ruffles over metallic sheen, lap after lap screen the view, and still the gilt reflection shines in my eyes. Hypnotic, the undulence pulls me near. I stand on the edge, gaze, then gawk; I follow the underwater movements and iridescent tremolo. I forget place and time. I lose sight of the facts. Gold isn’t the only thing that shimmers. Sometimes that glint is just a fish. Life is full of fins and fantasy. My sponsor suggests I stop looking for my life in a wishing well.


Think of all beans as magical in someway.