When I rise up and when I lay down

June 29

When I rise up and when I lay down

In order to be happy with you I have to learn to be happy without you. I gasp at the pain of it and desperately wish that the above statement were not true, but alas, you are gone in a way that I can never reclaim you and to hold on to what of you is still tentatively available I must release my frightened grasp. A wisp of smoke is not the bonfire of our past, but it is what remains and I breathe it in as best I can. Immediately I realize I am holding on again. I breathe you out, let you go. I want to run screaming throwing you from my bonds, yet another of my attempts at control. So, now it’s time to pray. Not a prayer to get my way, not a prayer to make you stay, not a prayer to make you gone, just a prayer to live on my own. G-d help me please to live my life, please guide me away from strife. I am lost and can’t find my way, Father, hold me til the light of day.

Putty the cracks in your hopes

*

SHIMMER

The water ruffles over metallic sheen

Lap after lap screen the view

And still the gilt reflection shines in my eyes.

Hypnotic, the undulance pulls me near

I stand on the edge, gaze then gawk

I follow the underwater movement and iridescent tremolo

I forget place and time, I lose sight of the fact

Gold isn’t the only thing that shimmers

Sometimes that glint is just a fish

.

Life is full of fins and fantasy

My sponsor suggests--I stop looking for my life

In a wishing well.