Key

July 14

KEY

I asked for the key to my problems.  My expectation was a metal instrument with which to unbolt the lock to my desires. What I was given was a systematic explanation of the symbols on the plan of my life.  This has been a wonderful gift and I have benefited greatly, but first I had to stop brooding about the loss of my wished for trinket.  Putting names on my map helps me stay off cliffs and out of rivers.  The code is broken; I can decipher direction and intent.  The compositions of life’s offerings fit and harmonize in unimagined ways and create archways strong and unbending, giving me access to reefs of beauty and rest.  I asked for the means to open a door but gained entry to the world.

Don’t lug excess baggage, ship it.

*

Sympathetic Strings

A guitar with 28 strings generates much sympathy

from the cords which were not strummed.

Pluck is contagious and inspires much harmony and verve

in the vicinity in which it shows face.

Sympathetic strings vibrate in response to the jangling

around them but are tuned to their own notes.

Much distortion adds to the depth of the sound

created by this throng.

Can you hear my life?

How a disturbance in my life rings

in the lives which surround me?

How I twitch and chime when things are twanged

in the lives of my neighbors, my friends, my kin.

We make the music of care,

the discord of reaction.

To every move there is a sound,

to every sympathy a harmony.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

My Mother's Face

January 29

MY MOTHER’S FACE

The way that age pours down my mother's face when she is sad reminds me that grief runs through my blood.  Generation after generation has been transfused with anxious woe.  Heartbreak vexes minds full of fear.  There is no easy way to round the bend on sharp pointed issues; the route is circuitous.  I battle the chaotic thinking to fight my way back to a place where my mother’s eyes sparkle as they squint closed with her smile.  The war of peace is not easily won by contemporaries.  We must close ranks between the ages to keep the joy from sheeting off our skin and keep the sadness in proportion.  Restore us to our possible bliss; we can overtake ecstasy from there.

Build ladders for the boxes that confine you.

*

Sponsorship

Right now, as I think of sponsorship,

I think of all the things I have done wrong.

Times when I was not understanding enough

and times when I was too understanding and enabling.

Sponsors I chose for ulterior motives

and the ones I didn't challenge when they wandered away.

I search my mind for the ingredients

that were in the mix when things went well

and the dominant component was willingness, mine and theirs.

Whether I was sponsor or sponsee,

willingness overrode ability, determination and love.

We had to come to the table willing,

this was never something we were able to cook up or construct.

Nor is it something I can always hold onto,

sometimes willingness evaporates

or slips away like sand in a clenched fist.

The permanence and impermanence

of sponsorship awes and frightens me.

Like a guidewire twisted from many strands

none of which reaches from end to end

I worry about the unraveling but depend on the strength.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

What is Dear?

September 24

What is Dear?

I am angry that I was taught I must hold on for dear life instead of being taught that life is dear, but they couldn’t teach me what they didn’t know and couldn’t know what they had not discovered for themselves.  I wish I had learned earlier to love the life I was taught to cling to, but I am grateful I have been bound to life long enough to find the joy in it.  I have found that knowing joy causes me to cling all the more, cling in sweetness to what was once such a bitter task. I am angry for what I wasn’t taught, but sadder still for what they didn’t know and all that is lost in their lives to ignorance and tradition.  I wanted better for them and they wanted better for me and this is the circle which closes around the dear that I hold onto.

Make room for running starts

*

FRUSTRATING IMPROVEMENT

Improvement is frustrating, lonely and yet exhilarating.

It somehow starts with moths in the stomach

And ends with warm soup satisfaction.

Struggling, waiting, followed by further struggle

Progress made by tugging one string then the other.

It is hard to accept scaling the ropes alone

But tottering assent is always this way.

Once at the top I realize how easily I could slide to the bottom

Sometimes friction is all that keeps me up.

Establishing a new altitude is challenging.

I must ground myself in a new way.

My talents hinder and aid me.

I must open the correct doors in my mind

And avoid the traps in the floor.

Stuttering through requirements and obligations

I transform but only slowly.

Earning each drop of comfort from a job just done.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Stand Hear

August 8

Stand Hear

The spins and pirouettes I have preformed in an attempt to avoid facing the music, were impressive but futile and ultimately delayed the beauty possible for me in this life.  When I stop my running and turn on my heel there is a world of harmony waiting to take me for a turn out on the dance floor.  Melody is not what I was expecting.  I was so sure I would be drummed out of my life, not trumpeted in.  My surety set in motion much of my convoluted activity and caused me great distress.  It is high time I listen with eyes open and my reactions leashed; allowing the tune to introduce me to life and lead me to my bliss. 

Let bad habits run away from home; pack their bags when you can

*

DON’T BE

Don’t be stupid.

Don’t be crazy.

Don’t be anything out of the ordinary.

Don’t be angry.

Don’t be hateful.

Just don’t be that way.

Don’t be sad.

Don’t be mopy

Smile fore the camera and pretend for everyone.

I often wondered why I felt like dyeing

And it took me years to understand why,

Don’t be = Death.

Don’t feel.

Don’t cry.

Don’t love

.

Life is about action, presence and content.

You’re wrong if you break the rules

And dead if you keep them.

So please don’t be Them.

Look back when you have to

But step out of the grave.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Cured

February 24

Cured

Ham is cured.  Thank G-d, I’m not ham.  Ham likes to be the center of attention.  Thank G-d, I’m not ham.  I can’t be the worker among workers if I believe I don’t need to work.  I can’t be a friend among friends if I am an island or a precipice, above or away from the need or reach of others.  Cured is a one way street that leads to a dried up lonely end.  Just the same way that turning my cucumber into a pickle took me out of the garden, curing takes me away from the only home I know, recovery.  Though I am often raw and sometimes fresh, these I can survive, finished due to the drying out process that would be a living death.  Thank G-d I’m not cured.

                     

Side step pitfalls

*

BECAUSE

Because I am my fathers child,
I make my attendance at meetings frequent and regular.
Having looked deeply in the genetic mirror
I see so many bitter days.

I've run from implications and sheltered in the steps.
The humility that saved my life,
Is understanding I am no different from my family
And since this is a progressive disease we all have
I will just get there faster.

Knowing who I can be helps me turn my will over
And keeps me grasping my Higher Powers belt loop.
All I am turns in every direction
And can pull or push, lift or fall.

I know my assets.
I know their power and their limitations.
All my hope is placed on a plan to use these resources.
I follow the only lead
Which has never promised more than it can deliver.

What is Past

October 5

WHAT IS PAST

The past cannot hold me in a loving embrace.  I run too often looking for affection and recognition in things long dead and purportedly buried.  I return to the ghoulish obsession of digging up old hates and sorrows, longing for support and finding only the cause of the ulcers in my soul.  I wallpaper the crumbling facade not wanting to cover it up but to hold it together, trying to unify something, which is totally shattered.  When I view it with a sober eye, the past is nothing but a slideshow under a strobe light.  The pulse triggers the impulsive belief that it was all real when, in truth, it was the lie I survived.  No life existed in the past and only now is there air to breathe.  The past is all vacuum and I don’t need to be sucked away.

Take an enemy’s inventory and don’t give it back.

*

MCBuddLake

Barefoot smokers sit downstairs

chatting on cell phones as I wait.

Wait for the Doctor to come and tell me what?

Tell me that I am ill or hail

based on a hammer hit on the knee

and a deep look into my eyes.

I will leave this place hours late

for a life I barely understand

but am grateful to be living.

Like one of the dancing flowers from Fantasia

I am swept downstream,

but an amazing journey even while I wait

in this six by eight room.

What Oliver Could not Know

October 7

What Oliver Could not Know

One of the complications of being an orphan is not learning about the failings and foibles which visit themselves on all parents. Living estranged from G-d has this same blind spot. When you live with someone day in and day out you understand their dimensions; depravation causes celebrity and the casting of very large shadows in some very odd places. The intimate knowledge of a guardian allows for relaxation and experimentation. Isolation creates an overload of anticipation; fear of risk and the yearning for attention swing a pendulum to the point of weaponry. Familiarity is a breeding ground, which means many things grow. Life in a vacuum is devoid of life and nothing grows up.

Lock away things forever and they only have imaginary meaning

*

HAWAIIAN GRAFFITI

White pebbles spell themselves
across the black of lava grown cold.
Personal announcements proclaim
love, school pride, religious freedom.

The care of placement and consideration of design
make the roadside an on going mineral memo.
What message would I care to share?
What words would prompt me to bring a pail
of crushed marble to the edge of the road.

Is there a truth so urgent I would take time
from paradise to spell it out?
A few more miles and I see the words I live by
strewn down the thoroughfare-------

IT WORKS-----IF YOU WORK IT.

Michal Rovner

August 10

Michal Rovner

I have numbered all the blocks in my ancestral walls. This has enabled me to recreate them stone by stone everywhere I go. It all fits to create the tomb I now have to learn to leave. I must change the equation and reorder the numbers allowing these rocks to be recycled and find a wonderful useful life as a stairway out of this pit of despair. What was once an edifice to lives unlived is now able to facilitate elevation, a restoration of a level playing field. It was not wrong for me to catalog the stones and there was no way for me to leave them behind, but nothing matches the satisfaction of using them to build a life, except for the ability to live in it.

Take a look at yourself from a distance

*

THE SEDUCTION OF SOBRIETY

I was seduced away from my duties

As an alcoholic by the promise of sobriety,

Allegiance to my disease was sidelined.

Alluring stability and beguiling integrity

Curried favor with my desperate heart,

Pulling me from the arranged marriage of addiction.

How could I cling to the corpse of dependence

When sanity shimmered just out of reach,

Then not out of reach but within my grasp.

I couldn’t resist the golden flicker of life.

I had been bound to death

Unable to see an alternative.

My loyalty to loss and grief slipped from me

And I limped into the daylight,

Like the widow of the night.

I have been lured to my senses

By a love like no other,

The love of life.

Things Which Are Thicker Than Water

August 15

THINGS WHICH ARE THICKER THAN WATER


“Pudding, mud, ice cream, cement, sauce, paint, sap, drool, gravy, wood.”
“What is that?" I ask my sponsor.
“A list of things thicker than water. There are so many; why do people get so hung up on blood?” responds my sponsor.
“Survival? Or maybe comfort? Tradition?" I counter.
“I’m sure you’re right. I’m sure there are many benign reasons why we strong-arm one another into relationships with family we may or may not be ready for.”
“You mean the families we drank with?”
“Or sometimes drank to get away from. But it’s not the family; it’s us. We have to learn to do what we need to do. We can’t force ourselves into relations with anyone for any reason other than it’s what is best for our sobriety. Shoulds and oughts have no place in the family situation.”
“So I can just walk away from them one and all?”
“You can’t do anything in that sweep of the wand. In the same vein, don’t obligate yourself to people due to viscosity.”
“Got ya. There has to be a real choice made.”
“Sounds like a promising start.”


Have what you want unless what you want is MORE.