Strong Words

May 18

STRONG WORDS

Serious language, deep language, real language helps me by grounding me.  I don’t have to be nice for company when I can just tell the truth.  I needn’t have guests with virgin ears or unrealistic expectations, and I no longer pander to such foolishness.  I know the layered meanings of my words and value the intensity of a large vocabulary.  I am not intimidated by prudish co-conspirators who stare down pointed noses at powerful utterances.  Weak words make poor boundaries and breed victims.  I will not be trapped by niceties; I will speak clearly out of necessity.

Allow your integrity to increase the value of your truth.

*

Martinizing

The price of upkeep scares me, it daunts me even.

I pay the initial cost, I have bitten that bullet

of required outlay; the continued charges for maintenance

push my face in the mud until my ears clog.

Avoiding the need of perpetual responsibility

to things, relationships, life, doesn’t change the reality,

rather it embeds in my skin a slick denial and an indignant retort

to the drycleaners and shoe-shiners of the world.

Waste and want play tag inside a misunderstanding

of what is required of me; of what life requires in general.

I must make quietude, draw a map

and find my way to this psychic change;

Unfortunately all the little voices scream

“Yes, you paid the price to see the show,

but you don’t make enough to stay!”

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Life as an Elm

January 25

LIFE AS AN ELM

I stand tall, my bark sloughing elongated rectangles.  Great bunions of protruding wood, giant bubbles of tight grain grown in reactionary curls, these tumors born of abuse and endured in maturation are harvested in recovery.  The burden of them is severed from me by the sharp teeth of truth.  Sectioning these masses for purposes of inventory allows the twisted and deformed wood to become dry and constructive.  I inlay the contorted sheets of history into the panels of the doors AA built for me, the doors built to exit hell, which gave me access to the world beyond. 

I stand in the woods, reaching the sky, sinking deeply to the underlying springs, surrounded by the joys of reality, things unseen in my pain- consumed, blister-covered life of addiction.  Life was a forest of one; the wind hit only me; the snow fell only on me; the drought affected only me.  Today, lightened by the loss of my inappropriate growth, I grow together with my sponsor, my group, and the we.  I can accept shade and shelter; also offer it.  The bugs and parasites meet with the resistance of communal health, and my disease has no harbor, not in my bark, not in my heart.  Today, my program strips me of my disabilities and makes me strong in camaraderie.

Cry just to water your face.

*

The Max Factor

I apply foundation and rouge

to make up the difference between reality and expectation.

My composition is unexamined by onlookers

Appearance is the subliminal standard bearer.

My brave face is plaster cast

as an estimation and a singularity.

Powder gives and takes power;

builds a glass ceiling then a glass floor.

What I owe my mind

is more than what I allow its representation to be.

I am made up to a spot on the wall

from which I can not move,

all because I wanted to put my best face forward.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

No Maps

January 15

NO MAPS

Maps have existed longer than I have.  By the time of my birth, aerial photography had made pinpoint accuracy the norm.  I can be tracked by satellite on my daily commute.  I can get a Trip Tik and travel to the far reaches of this continent.

"So what’s your problem?” asks my sponsor.

There is no map for where we’ve been going.  There are the twelve steps but after that, it is all uncharted territory, except, of course for my family’s warnings about dragons.

“Those critters stay to home mostly.  You have bigger things to worry about.”

So, where’s the map?  I need to know where to go.

“No map.  We go through this together.  The pitfalls are similar: sex and money.  There are a few others.  What each of us finds on this journey is unchartable, plus if you spend your time looking down, you will miss the view.  We prop each other up as we step off into the unknown, and reel each other back if we start falling off the beam.”

How do I know if I’m doing it right?

“Are you still sober?”

Yes, but I’m unsure.  Lots of people are sober right up until the time they’re drunk.

“So true.  It’s all about motive, and it’s difficult to chart your heart.  Do you have willingness?”

Yes, you know I do.

“I have found that is the vehicle to everywhere, Honey.  Learn to enjoy the ride.”

Write silly verse.

*

Comparison Shopping

Cost analysis of the yeas and nays

requires a savvy consumer.

Every word has a variable price

dependent on whom it is spoken to

and when it is said.

Some words charge compound interest

and others pay dividends.

Timing and delivery is of the utmost importance.

Knowledge of the markets requires constant assessment.

The risk to benefit ratio varies widely

and the short term verses the long term price

can flip the market from profit to loss.

Hold my tongue, speak my mind,

these must be weighed;

the clock consulted and inventories taken.

What I say and when

can be less a matter of bull or bear

than whether or not I can afford to be a sheep.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Matinizing

May 20

Martinizing

The price of upkeep scares me, it daunts me even.  I pay the initial cost, I have bitten that bullet of required outlay; the continued charges for maintenance push my face in the mud until my ears clog. Avoiding the need of perpetual responsibility to things, relationships, life, doesn’t change the reality; rather it embeds in my skin a slick denial and an indignant retort to the drycleaners and shoe-shiners of the world.   Waste and want play tag inside a misunderstanding of what is required of me; of what life requires in general.  I must make quietude, draw a map and find my way to this psychic change; unfortunately all the little voices scream “Yes, you paid the price to see the show, but you don’t make enough to stay!” 

Check your mileage so you know how far you’ve come

*

POWER

When power arrives

It comes complete with a blindfold

Mask and lullaby

I am blinded to what effect I have

Others can not see me

Only the unchanging masquerade covering my face

All my fears and apprehensions are soothed

By the melody singing in my ear

I am possessed

The hard thump of the bottom reaching up to get me

Is my sole hope of release

I can’t reason my way back from a trip with power

The isolation is too far reaching

My senses numbed

My thinking biased

Salvation as a cold smack is the jolt required

Fire takes fire

Power takes the same

Comparison Shopping

January 15

Comparison Shopping

Cost analysis of the yeas and nays requires a savvy consumer.  Every word has a variable price dependant on whom it is spoken to and when it is said.  Some words charge compound interest and others pay dividends.  Timing and delivery is of the utmost importance.  Knowledge of the markets requires constant assessment.  The risk to benefit ratio varies widely and the short term verses the long term price can flip the market from profit to loss.  Hold my tongue, speak my mind, these must be weighed; the clock consulted and inventories taken.  What I say and when can be less a matter of bull or bear than whether or not I can afford to be a sheep.

Tap the wellspring of your heart.

*

FEEDING SQUIRRELS ON A ONE LANE BRIDGE

Cattle-corn spread on a single lane bridge
The Trap, Food or Safety
There are plenty of other choices
My disease sees none of them.
Gluttony and danger the perfect combination
How can I resist?
Why would I resist?
I have to have More.
I cannot depend on my nature
The ability God gave me to survive in my environs
Help must come from outside
And must be wild and dramatic.
Inward help is boring
Too subtle, to tiresome
Where is my image?
Where is my excitement?
How am I going to prove my God worthy?
Without too much
Without perilous risk and rescue
I can't.
I can't prove my God
My God doesn't need to prove anything to me.
I can find my way off the beaten path
Away from the prying eyes of rubberneckers.
No cheers from the crowd are necessary
I have the equipment, it comes standard
When I take the controls
And follow the twelve step tutorial.
I should be able to manage just fine
No Mack truck in my face
As I stuff myself
With ill gotten grain.

Martinizing

May 20

Martinizing

The price of upkeep scares me, it daunts me even. I pay the initial cost, I have bitten that bullet of required outlay; the continued charges for maintenance push my face in the mud until my ears clog. Avoiding the need of perpetual responsibility to things, relationships, life, doesn’t change the reality; rather it embeds in my skin a slick denial and an indignant retort to the drycleaners and shoe-shiners of the world. Waste and want play tag inside a misunderstanding of what is required of me; of what life requires in general. I must make quietude, draw a map and find my way to this psychic change; unfortunately all the little voices scream “Yes, you paid the price to see the show, but you don’t make enough to stay!”

Check your mileage so you know how far you’ve come

*

POWER

When power arrives

It comes complete with a blindfold

Mask and lullaby

I am blinded to what effect I have

Others can not see me

Only the unchanging masquerade covering my face

All my fears and apprehensions are soothed

By the melody singing in my ear

I am possessed

The hard thump of the bottom reaching up to get me

Is my sole hope of release

I can’t reason my way back from a trip with power

The isolation is too far reaching

My senses numbed

My thinking biased

Salvation as a cold smack is the jolt required

Fire takes fire

Power takes the same

Where's Your Chair?

September 3

Where’s Your Chair?

Is the ring more unnatural for the tamer or the lion? One the trapped, the other the trapper. Who is the more in danger; the one with loss of freedom or the one with possible loss of life? And while this question is still in play the next question is begged. Why is there a ring? What is worth the price paid by the whip holder or the whipped? Spectacle is a thing whose cost reaches from the forest to the trees; can take you from the highest rung down to your knees. All this lost for some Owwe’s and Ah’s from people needing diversion from the ring they turn tricks in.

Refuse delivery of bad acts

*

HOW EVER YOU CAN

I heard --Let go with love.

You know how to do that? Asked my sponsor.

No that’s why I’m here to see you,

But it sure sounds like something I should do.

Well in a perfect world maybe we can all do it that way.

But for now let go with a mean look in your eye.

Let go with rage in your heart.

Let go with words boiling on you tongue.

Let go with the butter knife up to its hilt in the jelly jar.

Let go standing at the sink wishing for some other life.

Let go as a reflex

Let go as an anthem, as a prayer, as a declaration.

Let go even when you don’t feel you are holding on anymore.

At the same time-hold on to what’s important---

Your recovery---Your Higher Power, and your sense of humor.