Failed Soup and Mistrust of Burgundy

December 31

FAILED SOUP AND DISTRUST OF BURGUNDY

What keeps me coming back to meetings and step work is an abiding mistrust of booze.  Despite promises and advertisement, hopes and folklore, I couldn’t rely on drinking to take me where I wanted to go and I surely couldn’t depend on it to keep me there.  The struggle is great; the attempt to cling to salvation through decanter is mighty but in the end this joining of my chemistry to other chemistry failed miserably.  No matter how I held my mouth, held my head, held my liquor, satisfaction escaped without me and I was left here in the soup of my disillusion and disappointment.  Failure to cooperate fully with alcohol lead me to try sobriety as an alternative.  I may not always succeed in my recovery, but I can draw dividends on every deposit and use this to build a path to my desires.

Make a private heaven with plenty of windows and doors.

*

Failure of Imagination

The failure of imagination feels worse than it looks; it’s that rancid oily coating on the skin that I abhor.  The sweat that appears when sloth becomes a burden, the confusion of an unused intellect, the mumbled acquiescence of a weak will, creep me out of the permission that I wished to offer myself but can not accept.   The languishing mind that I left to wither in the confines of my skull requires my perseverance.  Falling down, giving up, throwing in terry cloth objects is impermissible, I must pluck up my willingness and apply whatever drops of genius I possess to every muscle fiber I can find.  So much has been made available to me and I must return that favor.  You see imagination only fails me if I have failed it first.

Vlog:  http://youtu.be/2xIyrdB516I

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

The Flying Mind

November 25

THE FLYING MIND

When my brain flies out my ear, destination unknown, I am left mentally bereft.  I feel intellectual convolution and show no affliction other than my inability to fulfill my assignments.  I stare out sure a ring of blue birds circle my head, or maybe stars like any other cartoon patsy.  What to do?  These parodied wingdings ridicule me privately leaving the impression of idiocy with onlookers and supervisors.  My focus and perceptions quaver and I lose my place.  I have to find a way to spot and keep my emotional balance, the same way I stay upright during pirouettes by watching one doorframe or light switch.  I need an unmoving object in a sea of swimming thoughts.  I still need to make the mental turns but this should be much easier if I stop landing on my face.

Work with yourself.

*

John Grisham

My time hovering low over the ocean

has filled me until I am ready to drop.

The weight of what is inside me bears down.

I know with the slightest cooperation

I will become a rainmaker.

I am mostly fine with this.

I know from whence the rain was derived

and I can let it fall in peace.

What I don’t know how to handle

is the acknowledgement.

The difference between what I know

and what you might think is vast

and if I try to dissuade you

I sound disingenuous or fraudulent.

I have to get my head around the part I play

and accept the roses when they come.

I don’t understand how this looks from offstage

or what it means to those who watch.

I hope they will enjoy the work

but never mistake me for the playwright.

Vlog:  http://youtu.be/VePH0r1p3_M

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Strong Words

May 18

STRONG WORDS

Serious language, deep language, real language helps me by grounding me.  I don’t have to be nice for company when I can just tell the truth.  I needn’t have guests with virgin ears or unrealistic expectations, and I no longer pander to such foolishness.  I know the layered meanings of my words and value the intensity of a large vocabulary.  I am not intimidated by prudish co-conspirators who stare down pointed noses at powerful utterances.  Weak words make poor boundaries and breed victims.  I will not be trapped by niceties; I will speak clearly out of necessity.

Allow your integrity to increase the value of your truth.

*

Martinizing

The price of upkeep scares me, it daunts me even.

I pay the initial cost, I have bitten that bullet

of required outlay; the continued charges for maintenance

push my face in the mud until my ears clog.

Avoiding the need of perpetual responsibility

to things, relationships, life, doesn’t change the reality,

rather it embeds in my skin a slick denial and an indignant retort

to the drycleaners and shoe-shiners of the world.

Waste and want play tag inside a misunderstanding

of what is required of me; of what life requires in general.

I must make quietude, draw a map

and find my way to this psychic change;

Unfortunately all the little voices scream

“Yes, you paid the price to see the show,

but you don’t make enough to stay!”

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

The Long View

May 14

THE LONG VIEW

The long view requires an enduring embrace of the past.  It requires a great love of people, the race and individuals.  I cannot see what we do and flee.  I can own what happened, what happens and what is to come if only so I can ratchet improvement into my own behavior.  I can see and feel and change, cringe if I must, but go on.  The horizon is there to set the stage.  It hangs there long and low.  It stands guard for the life there is to live.  I will view it and use it as my gauge.  Keeping perspective is the key.  I know it for what it is and that makes me, me.  The short sight and the long view.  My open arms hold it all; my sight brings it all into my heart.

Floss between the permanent ideas in your mind.

*

Life Events in Burlap

Two left feet in a gunnysack allows no forward motion

and creates only a windmill that screws us into the ground.

There is more perspective, front and back, more view,

but nothing to do with it, nowhere to go.

We are better off as book ends than this awkward foolish pairing.

You go your way and I go mine works fine if we are cut lose,

if any one person can be free of any other.

You offer to change your perspective if I change mine.

I smile, almost laugh at the idea of two right feet in a gunnysack

and no improvement in sight.

This is not grade school, not field day,

I must turn to you or you to me and nothing else,

no fair is fair, no turn taking.

Because my past is not your future

and your future is not my past.

Face forward on both accounts and then we run the race.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Feeding the Monster

April 25

FEEDING THE MONSTER

Who will feed the monster once they’ve made her?  Her hunger burns in her like a beacon.  Should I let her starve?  Should I put her on rations of old crusts and tepid water?  Rebuke her as if she were her own idea?  Possibly bind her hands and cover her eyes?  Stand her in line with the good girls and fit her in?  Turn her visage from her desire and tell her to forget?  Hold her hand and tell her that’s enough?  When I stand in the face of her yawning hunger, what do I say? 

“It’s for your own good.”

Well, that’s what ‘They’ said, too.

Round the corners and square your shoulders.

*

Blinded

Alcoholism hits me like a kind of blindness.

I stagger through the living room

cursing anyone who changes familiar placement

or published timetables.

Like every aspect of this disease

shocked sightlessness is mine to deal with.

I must pick up the white cane,

procure the Seeing Eye pup,

learn to read clustered Braille.

When my vision clears

in these well worked spaces I am relieved

but I must accept that when I walk into a new room

more often then not I will be blind again

and must pick up my walking stick once more.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Believe

February 27

BELIEVE

Listening to what people say is a half waste of time; believing it is a full waste of time.  Truth wills out in behavior.  No matter what is said, what is done is the real deal.  What is done over time is the final test and the things which are repeated, resounding from one generation to the next, are to be counted on.  Believing in told truths is a snare and delusion, the trap of all traps.

If your sponsor has a sponsor you may sleep at night.  If your sponsor works with that sponsor you can sleep soundly.  Doing the right things, doing them over and over again, doing them with others, your group, your friends, your sponsees, will make you believable.  I can think of nothing else that will.

Tickle your age and laugh with it.

*

The Resentment of an Acorn

Because no one believed

that I was a giant oak inside,

I had to prove it and drop my little cap

and leave my shell behind.

Now I stand big and tall,

alone, board feet to the sky.

I have lost my portability in my quest

for the recognition of my potential.

My amazing growth painful due to its cause;

poor mental health is a bitter road to achievement.

As I stand head and shoulders

above the undulating canopy

reflection comes on a sweet breeze.

Am I sorry I’m here, it could have been worse,

could have been eaten by a squirrel

or glued endlessly to a third-grade art project

“my walk through the woods”

Bugs could have gotten me,

though that looms even now.

I could have disintegrated, lost my power and integrity.

Whatever the driver I am appreciative of the destination,

there were many darker roads on that map.

It’s good to be here.  I

It’s good to be anywhere sober.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Touch Your Toes

December 20

Touch Your Toes

Funny how we deal with feet.  I have seen a woman cradle hers and treat it like the dearest babe. I know some folks who shun their feet; can barely stand to think of them, let alone to touch them.  There are the Mani-Pedi people who leave it in the hands of others.  I met a guy who soaks them soft and tucks little bits of cotton under the corners of his nails.  I know too, the woman with the snarling crusty dogs that serve to others as a warning.  My grandma warns me not complain about my shoes lest I meet the man who has no feet, but I doubt I would fit in his.

Borrow brilliance

*

MUD PIES

Mud pies and retro-childhood
Are for the hurt ones, small and angry inside me.
They require care and special attention
But I can’t stop with them.

Saving children to starve the adolescents is a sad fate
Or abandoning adults after bringing them all this way
Is indescribably cruel.

I cannot work on healing
All the while waiting for some ice flow
To shove myself off on.

There is never a time I am not the responsible party
For the people who inhabit my interior life
I live their reflections every day.

There is no one-way mirror
With which to hide unresolved issues
No rug to sweep them under
They flow through me like a river

I must return them to breed new health
As a salmon swims back to the waters
Of its birth to bring new life.

I must brave the complexities of maturity
I cannot just sit in the mud

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Night Spaces

December 8

Night Spaces

When it gets dark it gets dark fast.  They say, night falls, though sometimes it feels like it falls down.  What is little realized is there is a lifting when the light has gone away, the sky raises its roof and there is more air to breathe.  Long lost is the pink wisp that heralded this night and far ahead is the next wisp of pink singing up the moon.

Believe in someone

*

WHAT’S MINE IS MINE

I don’t always know how to get the dog off the baby.
The attacks are often sudden and always swift.
My shock at the reality delays my response.
Falters my steps and fogs my mind.

What should I do to disengage this assault?
What can I do that won’t make things worse?
How can I resolve this now?

The pain is almost unimaginable
But yet all too familiar.
It all comes down to ownership
I must admit this baby is me.

I have to face this dog is my pet.
I have fed and groomed him
And now I have to put this dog to sleep.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Jet Lagging

November 24

Jet Lagging

Baby’s feet kick in the isle and we are all cocooned in our seats.  The movies play and earphones dangle in our ears. We are jetting across the country in our own little worlds.  Landing can not happen soon enough for me, not that I want to foreshorten the flight.  I just know I have a stack of lives waiting for me and I would like to get back to living them.  I have been a week away, a vacation for sure and true but I have my keep to earn, my obligations are many.  I hope to have done myself proud when I am through, but until then there is much to do.

Zip up to protect yourself from exposure

*

ORIGINS

Pain filled interactions with people
Better suited to be left alone
Changed me in the way of acceptance.

Retched relationships with people
Made it difficult for me to have a loving
Relationship with the world.

I had imprinted as a fledgling
On sarcasm and ridicule.
Bitter milk starved my expectations
Of kind response.

I could not greet the world eagerly.
Having never embraced the world
I failed to hang on as it turned
I slid on my face and hands.

Mud covered I try to keep an open mind
And attempt a connection
With this spinning orb.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Who is the Parent?

November 18

Who is the Parent?

There are more liars in my head than anywhere else and they will say the most errant nonsense, making it sound totally convincing.  First of all they use other people’s inventories to leverage me into believing that I am just what is needed to lift each person’s universe from despair; then they insist that my life will be incomplete until I have saved nations and secured borders, all the while failing to mention the deadly nature of these attempts.  None of this is a problem unless I listen.  Liars’ lying causes me no trouble until I accept and act on this bunk.  This is where a thorough inventory saves the day.  When I am clear about the truth of who and what I am I can’t be easily led astray.  I know I am G-d’s child and the resemblance can be strong, but today that burden is not mine to carry, so I can stay busy being me.

Cheap advice comes from thinking; dear advice comes from experience

*

LIBERTY, HOPE?

If you had to choose would it be liberty or hope?
Liberty is highly recommended but without hope
How would you know you were at liberty?

Transversely if you had no liberty
How could you have hope?
Removal of liberty removes the possibility of hope.

So why ask for a choice to be made.
Well that’s the joy of liberty, I am free to ask anything,
And you are free to imagine anything and hope for more.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

No Reason

September 5

No Reason

Reason falls through, where it lands is a place of unknown seascape and unrelenting tides.  The roar in my ears furthers the disorienting effect of relocation.  At first it seems easier to let go of reason but when I descend into madness I scramble for purchase; looking for sanity like a cleft in a cliff.  Loss of skin and blood is nothing to compare to the loss of my mind.  I believe I could be more easily separated from a limb or two than to lose rein on my brain.  Reason falls through; I must follow even though the terrain is arduous and my heart is sometimes faint, for without reason there is no reason and without reason there is no life.

Write songs to the dead, sing them to the living

*

HATCHLING

When the shell gets too tight

It’s time to hatch.

I can’t tell you it’s safe out there

Just that it’s time to go.

The leaving is not easy.

Exodus fulfilled by the use of one small tooth

This experience may or may not prepare you

For the rest of your life.

So much still depends on predestination

And your attitude.

I mean are you a chicken or a hawk?

A peacock or a dove?

Or is there something of which I am unaware.

Did someone sit on your nest

Or cover it with sand?

Are you a turtle, lizard or snake?

See so much is out of your hands

But still your actions are your choice.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Rounder

July 16

Rounder

Back again, yes, that I see, but change is not the same as return.  What I know of you is your past.  I believe the past because I know it.  If there is a new you to meet that remains to be seen.  Even a chameleon sheds its skin, though I doubt its intrinsic nature is altered much in the process.  So flash your smile and wind your words into the thoughts of those with whom you have no history.  I’ve been exposed before, the virus doesn’t conquer me, I am immune.  Once bitten makes me wary when you come around again.

Pick a color and let it find you all day

*

TO SLOOP

When I was a tanker- I carried such a heavy load.

The diesel cycle ran at regular intervals

And my internal temperature was terrific.

The fuel sprayed and things went round and round

The cost was high.

Now my principal means of propulsion

Is the wind in my sails.

Conversion was difficult

Though I found the rigging and mast a fascination

The ballast was a heavy load to bear.

Cargo is something short lived

To be cast off at the next port.

Incumbent discretion is welded to my keel

And will go with me to every harbor.

As a tankard, liquid was transported or consumed.

As a cutter, dependability keeps me tacking into the wind.

Now my outlay is low and my rewards are high

I carry only what I need, I am free, a sloop upon the sea.

Revelations

March 9

Revelations

And I, Sherrie, had a new freedom and a new happiness for the first freedom and the first happiness were passed away.  And there were no more tears. This is how it should be and for the most part this is how it is.  Hell’s gates hang broken on their hinges and I walk free.  The world is mine to explore and I am happy.  More than a notion, my life is a fact; sounder than a bank note and I am on an emotional foot race to keep pace with my recovering self.  Could it be lost?  Lost like paradise, lost like I was lost before?  Why, yes, all could be lost and that is what makes this freedom truly free and this happiness truly happy, they are mine, mine to keep and mine to lose, they may not be in my control but they are within my reach.

Voir dere contempt

*

VOLUNTARY MUTE

I have learned I don't have to answer just because someone asks.
I have learned to change subjects.
I have learned it is better to say nothing.

Repeating the phrase, "It's just my opinion."
Followed with, "I could be wrong."
Has proven insufficient.

Somehow things frequently turn out worse than I expected
But as of yet none have turned out better.
This upsets.

People become angry when I am correct.
They are less angry when I'm silent.
I tell the truth and trouble follows.

I didn't get sober to lie so I keep my mouth shut.
There is no reason to distress folks
And reality has a way of doing that.

Silence is my new defense
I hide in it
And find my new freedom.

Unless it's my sponsor, my sponsee or my cherished friend
Battening down the hatches saves me from a tempest
And spare others their outburst.

Lie

January 1

Lie

Yes, a lie is just a lie, but the truth also has problems.  I relay the facts and the words take on a life of their own, leave out the backdoor and walk on down the road. They move to another town and never find time to come back for a visit even though, I am their mother.  And woe to the woman who grows attached to credit or recognition for her ideas.  These kidnapped prodigies are never ransomed but sold outright and their DNA not questioned or tested.

So, my advice is to love your words in secret and raise your notions behind high walls.  If you are ever called upon to share your wisdom, lie.  For even if you’re caught the risk is tolerable.  Exposure is awkward but then again no one is looking, so, what is there to lose.  A lie is just a lie but it stays home with you at night.

Tie a string to the moon

~

THE COWS ARE HIGHER THAN THE HOUSE

I got sober only to end up living in a house
where the cows are higher than the house.
I mean next to my house there is a hill
The hill is surrounded by a fence
The cows are pastured inside the fence
Standing on the hill the cows are taller than the house.

I didn't expect to live in a house where the cows were higher.
I expected normal
I didn't expect the cows at all.
I expected the house but not this house
It's at the end of the lane
It's the one with the rose colored shutters.

My sponsor wants to know why rose colored shutters
Are OK but cows overlooking the house aren't?
I can't answer her
It's just wrong - that's all!
I don't know why she can't understand this
It seems perfectly clear to me.

My sponsor says I am powerless over the cows
And my life is not unmanageable but my thinking is.
She tells me to paint purple cows.
To write stories about worse places for the cows to be
I tell her the tub.
She says write it down.
She's no fun.

I heard in a meeting I should pray for the people
And things I am upset about.
I pray for the cows
My sponsor says the cows see how I live my life
And she is sure the cows pray for me.

Bleating Formality

December 12

BLEATING FORMALITY

Stupidity stalks me when I am tired, hijacking my mouth.  I can put this off to pilot error or interruption of service on my neurologic pipeline, but truly I have been captured by senseless, irrational muttonness.  I would love to say it was pigheadedness but, alas, I am not self-determined, I am a sheep.  I open my lips and out pours the same plaintive cry as the surrounding herd.  In addition, once begun, the wail is unending; it’s as if the bellows works on its own carrying a tune which blends with the entire wool-coated world.  I shift and run with my position according to the movements at large.  I am following the reactionary breed, dropping the specifics of my personality as one of the crowd; my brain is switched off and a quick veneer grows over my eyes.  I can’t see, think, or speak for myself and yet it doesn’t occur to me to hit the hay.  When as a petulant three year old I do fall to sleep in my tracks, I wake as myself with many bleating apologies to be made.

Put morbidity on a leash and never walk it alone.

*

Peter and I

This flight is not filled

with the giggling cherubs of my westerly flight,

but among the solemn children on this flight

is Peter, the oldest of four,

who is reading Tolkien

and marking his place with a two page wish list.

Christmas is coming and Peter seems confident.

I wonder if we are what we read

and ponder if I am what I write.

Poetry, stories, novels, declarations,

it all feels like arms and legs,

things I cannot move right without.

I live better when they are out and free.

I am free too, when they live on their own

and I am not their soul residence.

I have to rededicate myself

to the work entrusted to me

for so much living depend upon it.

Before the End of the Road

November 5

BEFORE THE END OF THE ROAD

Before the end of the road tiny stone lay on the side, freshly painted lines glimmer in this twilight trance.  Walking the macadam, the crunch underfoot changes my perspective.  No steering wheel or accelerator, this is ankle express all the way.  Walking the road step by step, on my own, I am part of the soft and growing world progressing on a plan of separate integrity.  Moist, lush wonder is missed by the motor speedway I let rule my life.  Honeyed sweetness covers the vegetation swaying in the undulating airborne pulse.  I am tempted to lie down and have a roll, but my role tonight is to reach the end of the road.  When my goal is achieved I may choose a woodland life or an urban endeavor.  Seeing the end of this path is job enough for now.  Decisions anticipated prior to arrival are foolish diversions.  I need to stay, not stray, with the dancers in the wind.

Execute the detractors in your mind.

*

Let the Groundhog Sing It

Mistakes and poor choices save me

from attempting to climb out onto moral high ground.

Moral ambiguity keeps me protected

from the illusion of relentless righteousness.

Lopsided living is a fate I am spared

due to my flawed execution of perfection;

all in a day’s work for a functional human.

Left by the wayside is the fantasy that I am all right.

Touch Your Toes

December 20

Touch Your Toes

Funny how we deal with feet. I have seen a woman cradle hers and treat it like the dearest babe. I know some folks who shun their feet; can barely stand to think of them, let alone to touch them. There are the Mani-Pedi people who leave it in the hands of others. I met a guy who soaks them soft and tucks little bits of cotton under the corners of his nails. I know too, the woman with the snarling crusty dogs that serve to others as a warning. My grandma warns me not complain about my shoes lest I meet the man who has no feet, but I doubt I would fit in his.

Borrow brilliance

*

MUD PIES

Mud pies and retro-childhood
Are for the hurt ones, small and angry inside me.
They require care and special attention
But I can’t stop with them.

Saving children to starve the adolescents is a sad fate
Or abandoning adults after bringing them all this way
Is indescribably cruel.

I cannot work on healing
All the while waiting for some ice flow
To shove myself off on.

There is never a time I am not the responsible party
For the people who inhabit my interior life
I live their reflections everyday.

There is no one-way mirror
With which to hide unresolved issues
No rug to sweep them under
They flow through me like a river

I must return them to breed new health
As a salmon swims back to the waters
Of its birth to bring new life.

I must brave the complexities of maturity
I cannot just sit in the mud

Desert Island

November 2

Desert Island

When I am left to amuse myself, more often than not I turn my wicked wit to redress those whose neglect, I sorely feel; this is childish. This is pointless and yet I do it and do it well. I am, too good at being alone and I resent it and resent every necessity for honing that skill set. When in the past I have made my mind up to accept seclusion each overture is a slashing intrusion. I am not a happy medium, though I do doubt if such a thing exists. I am an attention seeker when I am not I am an isolation monger. The wavering nature of human interaction is an uncertain sea for me, alternating downing me or leaving me washed- up on some remote shore. Even amid those I love the most, I am a skinless writhing neonate, hyper-reactive and living on the edge. I somehow know the answer is self-esteem or spiritual development, but when in the midst of this imprudent reaction the paths to these are lost. I try to hold my breath when underwater, when on the beach I try not to breathe the sand. If I survive today I may grow out of this tomorrow.

Make peace with your pillow before bedtime

*

DESERVING

Tender toes crushed by moving memories
Fresh pain from ancient injuries
Shock incurred from these lifeless reminiscence
Unhappy reconstructions slap inspecting faces.

The people who stood by
To let the chips fall where they may
Try to pretend innocent bystanders now
That shit is falling from the sky.

Unexposed skin will burn when the flames leap high
Idiotic excuses will not retard the fire
Of injustice coming to call
Too late tears carry no freight with the past recipients
Of the “It all runs down hill” award.

Cowards make themselves cripples
And fracture at the force of incoming reality
And deserve more than they get.

Rules

July 21

Rules

There are rules about breaking rules. You can do it this way, but must not that way. Cross this line and you get dragons; cross that line you get a good natured slap on the wrist. Beneath the reflective surface of law I have found many shoals and sandbars; rocks and outcroppings, layer upon layer of blue depth I can only partly chart. I also find inquiries in this matter meet with the same reaction as asking about: yeti, crop circles, or what was kept in Uncle Author’s spare room. Those willing to talk about it I often fear to hear from and the reluctant to speak I fear to pursue. You see this investigation is just another thing from under that sea.

Look before you listen

*

MY BABIES

Too often I have abandoned the infants

Of my creativity to doorways and charities

Having little patience I did not raise them

To their intended station.

Joyful parentage need not stop

At the cutting of the cord.

Down playing the importance of each birth

I leave beauty and art to be foundlings

And the province of others.

I can share the guardianship of these precious gifts

And be more than a broodmare for cunning and craft.

I have neglected things

For the promise of each new conception.

Overpopulation weakens the body of work

And leaves my portfolio listless and immature.

Suit Up, Show Up

March 17

Suit up, Show up

I stand naked, paralyzed, unable to reach my intended destination or any destination at all. Goose flesh is no real motivation and I am reluctant to use the prod having only produced resistance and reversals with past applications of this weapon. Entreatment might work if only I could find the right one; then again anything might work if it were a fit. Covering my all-together is an action; taken judiciously it sometimes is all the arrival I can manage, taken disingenuously it precludes the chance for any further forward motion and may create set back or retreat. I should not attempt to hide fear with wardrobe though I can try to warm it. Façade building is best done with a bottle in tow

reality is best faced with a sponsor by my side.

Acknowledge pain, acknowledge joy

*

OLD BEARS

Cold and Despondent
Nothing comforts me like the bear of early sobriety

Bought on a day I thought I would shake apart
This fuzzy old guy has been a display item,
For many years now,
Tucked to the corner with the lace edged pillows and folded shawls.

Jittery and Sleepless
It's easy to panic.

I turn and see the amber eyes waiting for my embrace
His body clothed in a hand knit child's sweater made by a friend
The warmth of this snuggle is more than comfort
It is also the acceptance of loss.

Quelling the dramatic highs and lows of the beginning cost many things
And the depth of this is not lost in the moment.

Alone in my bed the passageways to the future appear to me
I must rest and then walk on
I cannot stall or simper, plain work is before me
And simple old bears a consolation.