Spontaneous Willingness

November 3

SPONTANEOUS WILLINGNESS

At my local coffee-mart there is a strip of cellophane tape adhered to the mid of a Plexiglas panel built into the barrier where the line forms.  Only at a certain angle can this satin finish tape be seen.  When I first caught a glimpse of it I recognized others had stood there and responded to the sight of this strip by prying bits of the edge with fingernails; I was drawn to do the same.  I could not pull much up, but each time I stand there I work diligently for the moments it takes to make it to the head of the line and be on my way.  Unseen others pull fragments while I’m away.  Over time we will accomplish this task, unbidden, unknown to each other except through this common goal, spontaneous willingness to do what can be done.

Build a boat in your mind and push off.

*

MISS DIRECTED

I called and rambled at my sponsor.

After a significant time had passed,

she stopped me and asked with a tone in her voice,

“and why are you calling me?”

Startled, I replied, “for your advice!”

“Are you sure that’s why you called?

Because I can give you my advice,

but I have given advice to you before

and received only a severe case of the ‘Yeah, Buts’ in return.”

I was about to say ‘yeah, but you don’t understand’

when she cleared her throat to quiet me

and continued what she was saying.

“Seems to me you really want more than a sober ear,

you want magic.

You want me to take your crazy, dramatic thinking,

put it in a hat and pull it out formed, as all your dreams,

and then you want credit for making it happen.

But, Kitten, I have news for you,

I’m not Mr. Roark and this is not Fantasy Island.

This is sobriety and you can’t just have your way.”

This is when I realized I was on a dry drunk.

I don’t know what the first signs are,

but I do know when your sponsor asks,

“and you’re calling me, why?” the jig is up.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

The Long View

May 14

THE LONG VIEW

The long view requires an enduring embrace of the past.  It requires a great love of people, the race and individuals.  I cannot see what we do and flee.  I can own what happened, what happens and what is to come if only so I can ratchet improvement into my own behavior.  I can see and feel and change, cringe if I must, but go on.  The horizon is there to set the stage.  It hangs there long and low.  It stands guard for the life there is to live.  I will view it and use it as my gauge.  Keeping perspective is the key.  I know it for what it is and that makes me, me.  The short sight and the long view.  My open arms hold it all; my sight brings it all into my heart.

Floss between the permanent ideas in your mind.

*

Life Events in Burlap

Two left feet in a gunnysack allows no forward motion

and creates only a windmill that screws us into the ground.

There is more perspective, front and back, more view,

but nothing to do with it, nowhere to go.

We are better off as book ends than this awkward foolish pairing.

You go your way and I go mine works fine if we are cut lose,

if any one person can be free of any other.

You offer to change your perspective if I change mine.

I smile, almost laugh at the idea of two right feet in a gunnysack

and no improvement in sight.

This is not grade school, not field day,

I must turn to you or you to me and nothing else,

no fair is fair, no turn taking.

Because my past is not your future

and your future is not my past.

Face forward on both accounts and then we run the race.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

The Deals I've Made

February 16

THE DEALS I’VE MADE

Because they are deals and not resentments or secrets, these circular schemes did not come out in my fourth step.  They didn’t come out in the wash; they come out whenever they are broken.  If the deal is don’t eat pickled herring and you won’t have to remember X, the deal will get broken when pickled herring is served to me at some social gathering.  As I get healthier, the breaks connect ever more deeply.  What in early sobriety would have given me unexplained discomfort now gives me full-blown flashbacks.  And I watch the deal unravel… you weren’t supposed to eat this because this is what was on the plate when… but now that it’s on the plate here, now you have to face this ugly roiling mess.  The deals saved my life, but unless they are handled with care and honesty, they can cost me the life I have now.  I must choose a safe person and place to share these broken shards, living alone with this will not work and making it public fodder is a set up as well.  In every one of these deals there is a back door to a drink and therefore We have to go out the front door together.

Pick three color words and use them all day.

*

The Long Dark Ride

Are fear and ignorance one thing

that looks like itself

or terrifying twins who feed one another?

Can they be separated

and if they can will it kill them?

And if they die

what will spring from their remains?

Will it be better or worse?

Can I tell what better is?

Should I tell if it turns out to be worse?

Is there ever an end to either fear or ignorance?

If there is, how deep is that well

and will I survive a trip to the bottom?

Do you know and do you care?

Will you go with me if I find the way?

Will you take me if you find it first?

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

My Tale

February 12

MY TALE

I must be my own tattletale.  I must give my sponsor bullets to shoot down my disease.  Anything I protect and nurture will grow and overtake me.  It is up to me to choose if I will feed my ailment or my health.  My life will be consumed, that is a guarantee; all things feed into others.  The direction this meal takes is my daily decision.  The bull’s eye can be hit if I describe the target.  The ending will be happy if the story I tell is my own.

Calculate the risk and build a bridge.

*

Rebellion Dogs

“Rebellion dogs our every step at first”

AA’s 12 and 12

They won’t come to heal, won’t sit, won’t stay,

these dogs circle waiting for signs of weakness

or vulnerable skin, but there they are;

they have been found out.

The ones that worry me more

are those that took show and place,

the dogs that stand in the shadows and lurk in the wing.

What are their names I wonder?

Their distinctive smell?

Must I identify these writhing mutts

or simply call animal control?

Though this never worked with rebellion dogs

these lesser pups surely would run

from would be dog catchers and leave me to my dreams.

Alas, I name them and show them to my friends;

we like they run in packs

and are served well by honest disclosure.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

The Story as a Stowaway

November 20

The Story as a Stowaway

I want to tell you a story, but I want to tell it to you quickly, so I can give it to you and then you can carry it on your way.  For what good is my story to you if you must leave it where it lay?  Your need to be elsewhere presses on us both and I wish to give you what you can take rather than to try to stall you here for an epic you might never lift and certainly not dream of dragging along.  I want you to be on your way and take a part of me with you.  I wish to sew myself in your mind; tether my tale to your soul.  I believe in forward motion and the need to carry on.  Where you’re going I can’t go on my own but I know that if I am funny, quick and lite, part of me goes even to the end of your world and my hope is to help you make it bright.

Apprentice yourself to collaboration

*

MIRACULOUS

Sometimes the blind lead the deaf.
The subtle signs are the bumping into trouble
And the inability to listen to reason.
It is an expedition into disaster.

Unfettered by common sense or boundaries
Tumbles and falls propel this pairing
To unknown destinations.
The attraction is baffling but undeniable.

These pairs can be seen through the ages.
In spite of this confounding coupling
Sometimes the blind find their way
And the deaf hear the call.

Even when they don’t life seems to roll along
But try to keep your eyes and ears open anyway.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Resilience

October 21

Resilience

When I experience trauma or drama my heart and soul return to the toddler state; I feel the urge to stay up and push forward.  I resist help and rest.  I try to override animal need in favor of intellectual prowess.  Bleary eyed and red-faced, I soldier on, only to manage to make my life into a ceaseless fight.  My charm and wit wear thin; then wear out.  I need to recharge my batteries, need to hit reset and restore my default settings.  It is hard for me to accept that I must lie down in order to get up again.  Restoration is impossible to achieve from my battle stance.  Resilience is a bouncing ball.  What I want to rise I must first throw down.

Sweetly kiss the past goodbye

*

SPONTANEOUS WILLINGNESS

At my local coffee-mart there is a strip of cellophane tape
Adhered to the mid of a Plexiglas panel
Built into the barrier where the line forms.
Only at a certain angle can this satin finish tape be seen.

When I first caught a glimpse of it I recognized
Others had stood there and responded
To the sight of this strip by prying bits of the edge
With fingernails---I was drawn to do the same.

I could not pull much up but each time I stand there
I work diligently for the moments it takes to make it
To the head of the line and be on my way.
Unseen others pull fragments while I’m away.

Over time we will accomplish this task
Unbidden, unknown to each other
Except through this common goal
Spontaneous willingness to do what can be done

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Feelings/Facts

March 28

Feelings/Facts

Delay is when I don’t deal with the tack, don’t deal with the finish nail, land up with a 12 penny in my heel and think about waiting for the railroad spike.  Rebellion is when I run through the razor-wire fence expecting to make a clean get away.  If I don’t socialize my problems when they are puppies all hope is lost when faced with the big dogs.  Exiting out the fifth story window is suicide in fact, but in my thinking I am merely rebelling.  Willingness and cooperation make a dynamic duo; powerful combatants of delay, rebellion, many other joy killing, life stealing foe.  A life led with cooperation and willingness is not necessarily perfection, but it often feels that way. 

Coax loose your tangled frustrations

*

FUTURE TENTS

The future seeps in through the windows
Like the dawn steeling across the sky
Once I inhale it, I am out of doors
Only the lightest of canvas covering me

The opening, flaps in the breeze
The wind of unbidden things echoes
Off the wall of people
Shut out from this adventure

I brace myself for the cutting current
But am greeted by the softest of zephyrs
I duck out
I stand unfettered

Lonely whispers call
But I am isolated
The scene is empty, serene and beautiful
There are other tents

Other seekers standing on other hills
But they see their own futures
From the vantage of their own tents
And thankfully I am left to see mine