Black & Dedication

May 31

Black & Dedication

The brand of equipment endorsed by my Higher Power is built so that my hand is clasped inside lest I feel alone or unaided.  A closed mouth and an open mind work very well when I can manage either of them and Step 10 works when I can’t.  I am usually the problem in my life but I am always the solution.  Others may change and contribute; I am the one and only one, responsible for my happiness.  Dropping blame from my vocabulary and adding responsibility, learning to differentiate between what is mine and what is yours; these tools are keys and they open worlds of possibility to me.  Also they shut out the demons of wrong thinking, wrong acting and desperation, which used to plague me. There are still greater tools I yearn for but like everything I must be patient and build my muscles to handle the heavier machinery.

Dine with hope

*

GULPING

The plug that lodges in my throat

From too much, too fast

Causes the anxiety to rise in me.

The panic fills my contracting muscles

Into rock solid revolt.

I can’t live, is the predictable result

Gulping attention, acclaim, excitement, sex,

Does the same thing

My heart clots and my personality stops in mid-flow

Everything in carefully chosen, well chewed bites

Makes the process proceed

My life works along workable paths

If I stay away from oversized freight

I can never swallow myself whole

Why would I keep trying to imbibe giants like desire?

Ovoid

September 17

Ovoid

I can pretend at this normal life for a period of time then the plaster starts to crack on this white picket fence and it’s all down hill from there. I am better than I was; I am happier and more well adjusted, yet I am still far from fitting with the standard fittings, I am an off size, my threads run counter to the average fixture, I spent too much time on the rack to resemble anything from off the rack. It’s not that I am so special; it is just that I am Special Ed. Performance anxiety and paranoia regularly take me out of round though even with these kept at bay I am not your normal nut. I assure you that you can dress me up and take me out, just don’t try to take me home.

Remind yourself of your friends

*

WEE HOURS

In the wee hours I hear the high pitched wail

the tiny pest whining in my ear

the onset of my thin stretched nerves reaching their end.

A few more hours are required of me tonight

I rally my spirit and lift the edges of my willing resolve.

Long slow nights carry me to far corners of my mind.

I am more average than I had imagined or hoped for.

The commonness of four AM brings base to disclosure

the charmed exposure of predawn wakefulness.

The fuzzy vibrations in my brain make me feel deep and real

Vulnerable to all the normal limitations of nature and caprice.

The sun will rise, ending this night.

My sentry over I will fall to earth, and rest, and bed.