Night Clothes and Bed Clothes

July 9

Night Clothes and Bed Clothes

Is there any indulgence quite like that of clean sleepwear warm from the laundry?  Pulling on jammies over squeaky clean skin and the little shutter that goes with tired hedonism is a pleasure without formed words, left for grateful sounds and little moans.  Hard work creates more than stability, more than cash flow and more than mere exhaustion, hard work changes my mind about delight and allows me to see it in the most obvious, most subtle of places.  My bed has become haven, hospital, refuge and I am tucked up in my nest and safely out of my mind. 

Tidy around your messy emotions

*

THE WATER YOU DRINK

Anyone who has to be drug to water

Doesn’t deserve a drink. said my sponsor

What about raising the bottom? I question.

I’m not talking about that

I am discussing people you try to convince into recovery

The folks you try to accommodate

.

The ones you attempt to bend reality for

These are the type who will piss in your well

Let me be clear--------

I am not concerned with individuals who piss in the pool

Which is rude and disgusting

But basically not life threatening

.

When your well is defiled

When the place you draw your drinking water from

Is used as a chamber pot--- your life is at risk.

Don’t ever pull your pants down

Over someone’s fresh water

Don’t let anyone squat with their bare ass over your sobriety

Tooth Fairies and Super Heroes

July 8

Tooth Fairies and Super Heroes

I never know who the tooth fairy is going to be.  Who might be the one person who will know CPR in my hour of need.  Which unlikely friend will whisper to me the secret code to my mental lock.  I have been caught off guard by the power of the most unlikely wallflowers.  It is important for me not to prejudge, but even more important to leave space for surprise and the delightful aptitude of those around me and for that matter from strangers on the street.  Also, it is good for me to remember there is change in my pocket and a resuscitation certificate in my wallet. 

Repattern the impressions made on you

*

FAR OFF PLACES

Meetings too near home are unsatisfying to me.

On smooth simple days, local meetings are fine,

I catch a meeting, just slip it in.

On rough days I yearn for an out of town meeting.

After these many 24’s I come to realize I need the ride

As much as I need the meeting.

Like a discontented baby,

I need more that just a trip around the block.

The comfort of taking flight in my car

Is equaled by arriving at some far off AA meeting

Fresh faces and a new take on old woes

Are an antidote to my colicky attitude.

The drive back offers a sense of triumphant homecoming

A good meeting can be had anywhere

Sometimes I just need a change of place

Or a change of pace.

Keeping My Seat

July 7

Keeping My Seat

I can sit through this. I can do it even when I don’t remember that I want to.  I will get through this no matter how it tweaks me and I squirm in my seat.  In spite of the unfairness of it all, I can do what is right, because that is what is best for me.  Acting out or giving up are options that I have, but I like me too much to choose so poorly.  When this is all settled I will still have me no matter what else I gain or lose.  If I don’t like me anymore I have lost everything, if I can hold my head up, proud of my behavior this is the most valuable gain.  Love is only love if I am still here to feel it, so I will sit still.

Set group goals for your tiny terrors

*

TIME TABLES

I know the train is coming

And I want to read the schedule

I hear rumors that the convoy going to

Feeling will arrive in two years.

The five-year expedition to getting my brains back

Seems unlikely but is often commented on in meetings.

Excursions to far-off destinations such as

Functional and Reasonable have me on my feet

In gleeful anticipation.

Still I wish for a clear mapping of time.

I feel I could leave off the worrying

About the How of it if only I could

Be sure of the When.

This cavalcade of adventure

Would be so much more palatable

With a well written itinerary.

What is at the eye of the storm?

July 6

What is at the Eye of the Storm?

Serenity is the alignment of three knowledges

1. Knowing that I am not without skill, talent, gifts.

2. Knowing that I am not without community, connection, comfort.

3. Knowing that I am not without G-d, whether or not I believe G-d is able to intervene. 

When I am in full or even partial possession of these three I am safe from storm, or no, drought or no, fiery hairy pestilence and without this knowledge everything is storm, drought and pestilence, no matter what anyone else says or all evidence to the contrary.  I will make my own mess when bereft.  I will pay a large price for ignoring the facts and the lion’s share of this loss is loss of my serenity. 

Disrupt the effectiveness of negativity

*

THE BEAR

Living with my disease is like having

A sleeping Bear in the house.

I knew it was there, could hear it snore.

I never felt comfortable or able to turn my back

On it and get on with my life.

I felt under certain threat.

Fearing the bear would wake

When my attention was elsewhere

I proceeded to poke it with a stick.

I prodded it to wakefulness

In retrospect it is clear I was unprepared

For a wakeful bear.

Even with my full attention fixed on the brute

The Bear, which is my disease, roamed about the house

And made forays out into the world.

I had no plan or tool for these events

Finding a legion of people who had worked out

Living arrangements with their Bears

I happily joined their ranks.

My Bear wakes and sleeps at its will

But I am no longer afraid or unskilled

At handling this creature

Today I am so grateful for the Bear in my life.

I would never want a life without it

I live in a world filled with Bears

And would be at a loss as how to exist

If not for the practice and success

With the Bear that is my own.

Tyler's Truth

July 5

Tyler’s Truth

The snow is dying, pouring itself into the creeks and riverbeds.  Sacrificing its crystalline structure and community for the ubiquitous oneness of liquid.  Drawn by the gravitational lure of the ocean.  Unity conquers the frozen individuated whole.  Pulled from coast to coast the sun tempts the water’s life, the sea gives up her soul to the sky to be reborn as snow once more.  

Open your mouth just to see if a song comes dancing out

*

THE RAINBOW

What is that look of concentration?

Asked my sponsor

I am trying to see the gray.

The gray? She queried.

Yes, I heard at the meeting that between the

Black and white there’s a lot of gray.

Well my darling

I don’t want you to have black and white thinking.

But what lies between black and white

Are all the colors ---the full spectrum

What am I to do with this information?

What do I do with all those colors?

I ask in shock and confusion

For right now, just remember

That all colors aren’t blue.

Origins

July 4

Origins

At the root of it all is darkness.  The place from which I grow, the structure that holds me fiercely upright, is pressed on all sides by dirt.  When I get right down to it the ethereal leaves and twigs even the branches, do not exist, except for my foundation in the composted death and recycled life; the ground.  For is it G-d who rains down from the heavens light and water or is G-d truly living at the center of the earth, warming my toes and securing me to what is real.  

Use a mirror for words on the tip of your tongue

*

KEY

I asked for the key to my problems.

My expectation was a metal instrument

With which to unbolt the lock to my desires.

What I was given is a systematic explanation

Of the symbols of the plan of my life.

This has been a wonderful gift

And I have benefited greatly.

But first I have to stop brooding

About the loss of my wished for trinket.

Putting names on my map helps me

Stay off cliffs and out of rivers

The code is broken

I can decipher direction and intent

The composition of life’s offerings

Fit and harmonize in unimagined ways.

It creates archways strong and unbending

Giving me access to reefs of beauty and rest.

I asked for the means to open a door

But gained entry to the world.

Trouble with Geometry

July 3

Trouble with Geometry

You are not allowed to get into trouble on purpose, that’s the rule and if you do you will get no sympathy that’s the corollary.  Life is too hard to go looking for trouble, running toward danger, whining about self-inflicted pain.  The unspoken law of risk taking is that failure is dealt with in silence.  Writhing on the ground after sticking your head in a hornet’s nest, leaves me and the world I know to be speechless in your presence.  I know you desire consolation from me.  All I know to say is that your actions are incongruent with your life.

Stir the atmosphere in your room

*

DISTILLATION

I came into these rooms with a mixed mental makeup

And a polluted physical chemistry.

I have been transformed

But only into tiny droplets.

The drops are not dramatic but the process is.

Distillation of my thinking is a powerful thing

A volatile act of concentration takes place.

As my brain boils over

And the sane is separated from the profane.

Purity is a spiritual gift,

The result of vaporizing my old thoughts.

Many times the night distills the dew

And I am quickly refreshed,

Other times I must cook for quite awhile.