What is "Offender" #2

February 4

What is “Offender” Number 2?

I’m not looking for trouble, really I’m not, it’s just that thanks to this program I’m no longer plagued by resentment, but I doubt that is the only stumbling block there is.  Possibly the remaining list is as divergent as the alcoholics who make the lists.  Though I am guessing we have more in common than that one thing.  I stare at the various and sundry bric-a-brac measuring potential harm and formidability, so many candidates with razor edges.  I take my combat pose as I lift the pen, wondering if giving things status also gives them power.  I take comfort that acknowledgement is empowering for me.  Tell me the weights you lift to strengthen your “Spiritual Muscle” the things that crowd behind resentment vying for their turn as perpetrator of downfall and misery.

Poetry in motion is like a marching band with words

*

THE FORGOTTEN

I am not Cleopatra.
I am not in denial.
I forgot.
"Sure" says my sponsor
"I've seen the headdress."

That's not fair
I've heard women say they forget the pain of child birth.
"They're kidding, you can't just forget pain,
It's there waiting in the wings,
Looking for its fifteen minutes of fame."

"You will be the worse for it" she say with her smug way.
What if I can't drag it forward?
"Honey, Baby, Sweetie, you need to let those things come up,
Before they drag you back to a drink
Or whatever your new addiction of choice is."

"Just open your mind,
You might be surprised what is waiting to see the light of day."
What if it kills me?
"Darling, you're not that lucky,
You don't get to escape through death either."

"Lean into this and you will get through it faster
Hold onto the program and you will get through easier,
Fight it and it will tear you up."
Always the optimist my sponsor.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

How Ever You Can

August 21

HOW EVER YOU CAN

I heard, “let go with love.”

“You know how to do that?” asked my sponsor.

“No, that’s why I’m here to see you, but it sure sounds like something I should do.”

“Well, in a perfect world maybe we can all do it that way, but for now let go with a mean look in your eye.  Let go with rage in your heart.  Let go with words boiling on your tongue.  Let go with the butter knife up to its hilt in the jelly jar.  Let go standing at the sink wishing for some other life.  Let go as a reflex.  Let go as an anthem, as a prayer, as a declaration.  Let go even when you don’t feel you are holding on any more.  At the same time hold on to what’s important: your recovery, your Higher Power and your sense of humor."

Fly in your dreams.

*

Hang on or Dance

Because I felt ‘outcomes’ slipping through my fingertips

I dug in with my nails, I schemed, plotted, worried, whined.

Lack of power was my problem I thought,

but what it came down to was, failure to acknowledge… accept…

failure to surrender to the reality of powerlessness.

The only thing I learned from resistance

was an intimate knowledge of futility.

When I embraced truth… the facts…

when I live with the gravity of masses not fight against it;

I began to enjoy the weather,

knowing I did not pull the clouds or push the storm.

I’m back in the dance of people moving about me,

all keeping with the time, it is not mine to keep.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Open Windows

June 13

OPEN WINDOWS

I roll down the window in the rain hoping reality will soak in with the droplets.  I tilt up my face as I leave the car and let the water shower my features.  The downpour is the jolt to living for which I have prayed.  I stand on my lawn and rinse the day out of my hair; I clear my brain in the fresh rainwater.  The driving rain pounds the house and trees but I feel massaged and cared for.  My skin, reflexive, teaches my mind to absorb and hydrate.  I turn my thoughts to Greater Powers.  Even if the doors have been closed, I can open the windows and let the rain come in.

Soap the windows on some of your ideas so you can work in privacy.

*

Down to the Watership

The immoderate champions immoderation;

the glutton recommends consumption,

more often than not a drunk will pour you a drink

It is part of the social norm to conform

to the addiction of the day.

If we are all high we laugh at each other’s jokes

and there is less finger pointing about the mess.

When we are all in this together we sink or we swim,

but we mustn’t look around.

Like the rabbits who cannot ask, “Where?”

We try to look at ease with dying

and contented with our lot.

More must be better

for we can’t survive on less than what we’ve got.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Luck

April 17

LUCK

Luck, transposed for gratitude, makes a mockery of grief and loss.  If you are lucky, what does that make me?  The forgotten?  The orphan of fate?  If what I lost and what it cost me is just a lack of fortune, then why do right?  What is sea level?  I may deserve all the sweetness in the world but what explains the pain?  I’ve heard that life’s not fair and laughed at the underestimation of the claim.  If pain is the touchstone of growth and you are lucky and I’m hurt, does that make you short?  And what is the point of growing tall?

Blow kisses to stars which look familiar.

*

Ground Floor

Step 10 is the place where the doors slide open

and I discover I am out of the basement.

I have to pay close attention to where my feet are;

it is so easy to stumble here in the light of day.

Obvious limitations and universally accepted interpretations

are pried from installation and put on trial.

Never is it acceptable to allow my alcoholic thinking

to make decisions for my sober life.

The road to my door must be kept clear

so I can get out to do my part

and so  God can come home to me.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

What's that in the Pool?

December 14

What’s that in the Pool?

Parts of the Rocky Mountains look like algae bloom out in the Indian Ocean.  Parts of me look like parts of you and here we go with oneness being nothing more than pattern recognition and optical illusion; though I hope there is more to it than that.  My hurt might not be your hurt, but I have a sense of it.  Likewise your hope may not resemble mine, but it cheers you just the same and we are all better for it.  We needn’t replicate each other or attempt imitation, but recognition is a kind thing and art is what we all have to share.

Stain your napkin

*

SIZING GOD UP

God doesn’t need to be Big.
I only look for a Big God when I feel very small.
I turn to God as compensation for my feelings
As some sort of bolster to brace myself with.

I have found when I am diminished in anyway
God is tucked in a corner or pocket or drawer.
I flee to the great out-of-doors
And find earth, nature and wind.

The God of my understanding
Is proportionate to my mental state.
My partner is with me
Near enough to hear the fear pour off my skin.

God doesn’t run from me to adventures in the wild.
I want to escape regularly
But this is not my Higher Power’s defect.

I come back to God when I stop running from me.
I face my reflection and recognize
I am not towered over by a Giant God.
I am yoked with a power to share the load.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Just Say NO to Bushel Baskets

August 24

Just Say NO to Bushel Baskets

Spending my life under a bushel basket kept me from realizing who I am.  I thought because of the close quarters I knew myself better than those free to explore the world, yet, alas, no.  I am unaware of the world outside and inside the bin; this woven covering served to sever all true communications.  Even in places where my candle burned through, it couldn’t allow sufficient light, in or out, for as much as an SOS or a night light.  Here I am, not knowing my abilities… my possibilities…. or my worth and there is the world, standing a startled stranger from me, for I only know it as the circle around my feet and nothing more.

Manipulate your mind until it is supple and flexible

*

HARD TIMES

Sometimes I pack the earth down so hard

that weeds can’t even grow up through.

I try to make nature inert.

I try to kill my alcoholism.

I confine my disease to this tiny path of compacted dirt

and wear blinders as to ward off distractions.

I forget there is a garden to be grown

in the fertile ground of my recovering mind.

Losing the compulsion to drink is a gift.

Stopping my mind from thinking is soul murder.

I can sink my toes in the good brown soil

and look to the lilies and Queen Ann’s Lace for inspiration

.

I can stop giving myself such a hard time.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Dewy Cheatum & Howe

August 20

Dewy, Cheatum & Howe

I must radically sever the close connection I have with self-seeking, self-pity and dishonesty.  What will I use to pay the retainer for the representation I will need to pursue this divorce?  Willingness is the earnest money, which will start the ball rolling, hard work pitches in its share and faith pays the note each day I apply it.  All this and more is what it takes to divide the endless stream of my compulsive thought into a survivable days worth of life.  I have the prospect of being happy as a divorcee or I could be a miserable widow if I stay wed to my disease.

Try not to be the exception to everything

*

PROMISE BROKEN

If promise shatters without anyone touching it,

If it pops like a floating soap bubble that lost cohesion,

What do I do--name names--I can’t even take fingerprints.

Sometimes dreams just end--no fault or blame is attached.

The ice breaks under its own weight

And nothing can be done.

I am more than just holding on.

I am alive even if all the promises melt away.

I can accept the unexpected and unasked for.

I know this doesn’t affect my worth.

My value is intact regardless of disappointment or discontent.

I have learned that anticipation is mere amusement.

Promises are pleasantries

.

I am made of stronger stuff.

I am not broken by words, ideas or hope.

Promise can be broken

But it doesn’t break me.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

What is at the eye of the storm?

July 6

What is at the Eye of the Storm?

Serenity is the alignment of three knowledges

1. Knowing that I am not without skill, talent, gifts.

2. Knowing that I am not without community, connection, comfort.

3. Knowing that I am not without G-d, whether or not I believe G-d is able to intervene. 

When I am in full or even partial possession of these three I am safe from storm, or no, drought or no, fiery hairy pestilence and without this knowledge everything is storm, drought and pestilence, no matter what anyone else says or all evidence to the contrary.  I will make my own mess when bereft.  I will pay a large price for ignoring the facts and the lion’s share of this loss is loss of my serenity. 

Disrupt the effectiveness of negativity

*

THE BEAR

Living with my disease is like having

A sleeping Bear in the house.

I knew it was there, could hear it snore.

I never felt comfortable or able to turn my back

On it and get on with my life.

I felt under certain threat.

Fearing the bear would wake

When my attention was elsewhere

I proceeded to poke it with a stick.

I prodded it to wakefulness

In retrospect it is clear I was unprepared

For a wakeful bear.

Even with my full attention fixed on the brute

The Bear, which is my disease, roamed about the house

And made forays out into the world.

I had no plan or tool for these events

Finding a legion of people who had worked out

Living arrangements with their Bears

I happily joined their ranks.

My Bear wakes and sleeps at its will

But I am no longer afraid or unskilled

At handling this creature

Today I am so grateful for the Bear in my life.

I would never want a life without it

I live in a world filled with Bears

And would be at a loss as how to exist

If not for the practice and success

With the Bear that is my own.

From Mind to Pen to Paper to Palm

July 2

From Mind to Pen to Paper to Palm

What a relief to have exteriorized all the swirl of thought, which normally swarms my mind, waiting to take the stage and run through their numbers.  Then like deciphering a code I was able to cross out all the irrelevant and redundant information, leaving me with a clear answer.  Once there standing on its own; it was obvious and easily explained how two plus three is five. I just love anything that can be explained all on one hand and there it was tidy and neatly fitted in the nest of my palm, easy to grasp hold of with my fingers or my mind. 

Slip an orange into your dreams

*

NOUN, VERB, ADJECTIVE

Model Sobriety [mode’el sobriite] n,v,adj.

1. Model Sobriety acts like clay

Durable and flexible it molds to any situation.

2. Model Sobriety is like a clotheshorse

Everything you put on it fits and looks good.

3. Model Sobriety is the 24 hour version

Of a life-long process.

4. Model Sobriety is a set of axioms

With which we interpret truth.

5. Model Sobriety is what we put in the window

For other sufferers to see.

6. Model Sobriety is the mirror we use

To learn what is natural.

7. Model Sobriety eliminates extremes

In behavior and thinking.

8. Model Sobriety is the mode

By which we become a channel.

9. Model Sobriety is the definition

In and of my life.

Noun, Verb, Adjective