What is "Offender" #2

February 4

What is “Offender” Number 2?

I’m not looking for trouble, really I’m not, it’s just that thanks to this program I’m no longer plagued by resentment, but I doubt that is the only stumbling block there is.  Possibly the remaining list is as divergent as the alcoholics who make the lists.  Though I am guessing we have more in common than that one thing.  I stare at the various and sundry bric-a-brac measuring potential harm and formidability, so many candidates with razor edges.  I take my combat pose as I lift the pen, wondering if giving things status also gives them power.  I take comfort that acknowledgement is empowering for me.  Tell me the weights you lift to strengthen your “Spiritual Muscle” the things that crowd behind resentment vying for their turn as perpetrator of downfall and misery.

Poetry in motion is like a marching band with words

*

THE FORGOTTEN

I am not Cleopatra.
I am not in denial.
I forgot.
"Sure" says my sponsor
"I've seen the headdress."

That's not fair
I've heard women say they forget the pain of child birth.
"They're kidding, you can't just forget pain,
It's there waiting in the wings,
Looking for its fifteen minutes of fame."

"You will be the worse for it" she say with her smug way.
What if I can't drag it forward?
"Honey, Baby, Sweetie, you need to let those things come up,
Before they drag you back to a drink
Or whatever your new addiction of choice is."

"Just open your mind,
You might be surprised what is waiting to see the light of day."
What if it kills me?
"Darling, you're not that lucky,
You don't get to escape through death either."

"Lean into this and you will get through it faster
Hold onto the program and you will get through easier,
Fight it and it will tear you up."
Always the optimist my sponsor.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Deny One, Deny the Other

October 11

DENY ONE, DENY THE OTHER

If you want to deny the problem, by necessity you must deny the solution.  Resolving a problem whose existence is rejected creates a split in the crust of collusion.  Oftentimes, the convolution and reconvolution of addiction causes a bloated roiling mass that rolls through the streets of sanity.  How can a wedge be cut in a creature so dense?  How can I work on piecing together remedies when I am readily assured by fellow sufferers there is NO DIS-EASE?  Can I trust my personal depletions?  Can I employ faith to a resolution when faith is utilized to fortify the contagion I’m told doesn’t exist?  But if not faith, what?

Count out all the buttons in your box.

*

Alarm

I have lived life like one long fire drill.

Is there smoke?  Not always, but I fear flames.

The alarm in my head is with me always

and I walk from my life single file and silent.

I don’t move on, this is only a drill,

‘I don’t want to take drastic action, this will pass,’

is my constant thought,

though, I can not remember a time without the buzz.

I have stood outside my life so long

practicing in case of an emergency

that there is no life to protect.

I have been conscientious to the point

of being consumed by caution.

Balance requires risk.

I must be brave enough to have it all.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

The Forgotten

February 5

THE FORGOTTEN

"I am not Cleopatra; I am not in denial.  I forgot."

“Sure,” says my sponsor, “I’ve seen the headdress.”

"That’s not fair!  I’ve heard women say they forget the pain of childbirth."

“They’re kidding.  You can’t just forget pain.  It’s there waiting in the wings, looking for its fifteen minutes of fame.”

"And what if I don’t give pain its fifteen minutes?"

“You will be the worse for it,” she says with her smug way.

"What if I can’t drag it forward?"

“Honey, Baby, Sweetie, you need to let those things come up before they drag you back to a drink or whatever your new addiction of choice is.  Just open your mind.  You might be surprised what is waiting to see the light of day.”

"What if it kills me?"

“Darling you’re not that lucky.  You don’t get to escape through death, either.  Lean into this and you will get through it faster.  Hold on to the program and you will get through it easier.  Fight it and it will tear you up.”

Always the optimist, my sponsor.

Dispel assumptions, inhale willingness.

*

What is “offender” number 2?

I’m not looking for trouble, really I’m not,

it’s just that thanks to this program

I’m no longer plagued by resentment,

but I doubt that is the only stumbling block there is.

Possibly the remaining list is as divergent

as the alcoholics who make the lists.

Though I am guessing we have more in common

than that one thing.

I stare at the various and sundry bric-a-brac

measuring potential harm and formidability,

so many candidates with razor edges.

I take my combat pose as I lift the pen,

wondering if giving things status also gives them power.

I take comfort that acknowledgement is empowering for me.

Tell me the weights you lift

to strengthen your “Spiritual Muscle”

the things that crowd behind resentment

vying for their turn as perpetrator of downfall and misery.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Rex

August 31

Rex

Hungry dogs who love me anyway, dance around waiting to be fed.  If they didn’t love they would take bloody bites and I don’t forget it.  These puppies have teeth, like cigarettes I want to smoke but don’t.  And meanwhile back on the farm I seek to quiet the whines and barking of the unfed, malnourished familiarity which writhes at my ankles and jumps at my knees.  I can no longer pat my disquiet on the head and expect it to stay or heal.  I must hunt down the beast which bothers me and feed the meat of it to the pups.  I must not leave the lopers to quarry my burden if I want to remain master and leave them to be pet. 

Rip yourself away from distress

*

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND

I was running on empty

And thought I was getting along that way

But the smoke gave me away.

My life had caught on fire

And I burned to the ground.

I thought nothing had been apparent

Until it all lay in ashes.

My sponsor said, No-------

We all knew when your tank ran dry.

The sucking sound could be heard for miles around.

I asked her, if that were true,

Why I hadn’t hear it myself?

She said, she guessed,

I had my denial turned up to loud.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Old Nasty

July 13

Old Nasty

My addiction is like a Percheron, bigger and more powerful than I am, but what I have learned is that if I treat this horse with due respect and a guiding hand from my recovery and my Higher Power I can harness the energy of my illness and use its’ force to make my life work.  I can never be the master of alcoholism, but I can see it for what it is; an overgrown instinct looking for an outlet.  When I am given my way out I take this beast with me and when I value that partnership we are both safe.  When I have tried to lock it in a stall and run far from the barn, it kicks my life down.  When I put my head in the yoke willingly, together we are led and we do the work which is fulfilling and rich.  I was meant to work in a team, I am grateful to have a teammate.

Close your eyes and look at yourself

*

QUICK-------SAND !!!!!!

Don’t ask how deep the quicksand is. Said my sponsor.

It’s your job to get out of it--not quantify it.

I’m not sure how to get out.

Will you come and get me. I ask her?

No Darling, if I get in we will both be down for the count

The only chance we have for me to help you

Is if I stay out of the morass

With my feet firmly on solid ground.

What if you can’t get me out. I cry?

I will go get more help.

What if all of AA can’t get me out?

Angel, my hope is, that if there was no way out

You wouldn’t even know you were stuck.

Deny One, Deny the Other

October 11

DENY ONE, DENY THE OTHER

If you want to deny the problem, by necessity you must deny the solution.  Resolving a problem whose existence is rejected creates a split in the crust of collusion.  Oftentimes, the convolution and reconvolution of addiction causes a bloated roiling mass that rolls through the streets of sanity.  How can a wedge be cut in a creature so dense?  How can I work on piecing together remedies when I am readily assured by fellow sufferers there is NO DIS-EASE?  Can I trust my personal depletions?  Can I employ faith to a resolution when faith is utilized to fortify the contagion I’m told doesn’t exist?  But if not faith, what?

Count out all the buttons in your box.

*

Alarm

I have lived life like one long fire drill.

Is there smoke?  Not always, but I fear flames.

The alarm in my head is with me always

and I walk from my life single file and silent.

I don’t move on, this is only a drill, ‘

I don’t want to take drastic action, this will pass,’

is my constant thought,

though, I can not remember a time without the buzz.

I have stood outside my life so long

practicing in case of an emergency

that there is no life to protect.

I have been conscientious to the point

of being consumed by caution.

Balance requires risk.

I must be brave enough to have it all.

Not Fur but Fin

April 16

Not Fur but Fin

You can’t delay the river, I’ve tried, all it does is distort. I block the flow and swamp ensues, mighty oaks waist deep in water. The current is strong and I fear being swept away, not realizing I was born to swim. Dreading the swim back for spawn I try to stay too close to my origins, never make it to open water, never to live the life I was intended for. I’ve heard it said, “Don’t push the river it flows by itself,” but I can’t stall it either.

Line up the little endearments offered you

*

FEEDING THE MONSTER

Who will feed the monster, once they’ve made her?

Her hunger burns in her like a beacon

Should I let her starve?

Should I put her on rations of old crust and tepid water?

Rebuke her as if she were her own idea

Possibly bind her hands and cover her eyes

Stand her in line with the good girls and fit her in

Turn her visage from her desire and tell her to forget?

Hold her hand and tell her that’s enough?

When I stand in the face of her yawning hunger

What do I say---It's for your own good?

Well that's what THEY said too.

Jenny

February 19

Jenny

Though ignorance may be bliss, living in the shadow of someone else’s ignorance is sheer hell. The confusion is bad, but the lies are worse. Want to cripple a child for life give it to a well meaning fool who has the rule book to the wrong board game, that child will grow to need crutches they don’t make and medicine they can’t brew. Dependant on misguided insanity the child will require a miracle cure and may lack the ability to ingest it. Best case scenario the kid makes a brave escape into a world she can barely comprehend, worse case she turns the rule book upside down and reads it backwards to her own unfortunate brood. Ignorance is always a twilight proposition, half agreement the other half handcuffed nightmare. Full consent is by necessity impossible while blameless innocents is similarly unachievable. The only suggestion I can make from this side of the looking glass is to pick your poison and plan your getaway.

Rain encouragement down in your dreams

*

TIME IS HERE TO STAY

I have passed my days emptying them.
Like bread crumbs on a trail of rescue
Expecting them to facilitate redemption
And if not that at least retreat.

I release an audible sigh
As I let each evening slip to the path behind me
The future I view as a cliff I am nearing
I hope to be ransomed before the edge.

I plan carefully how to stay in sync with revision
Things must be resolved and revert
But this is not the way.
The past is there to be mined.

Inert gold as well as land mines linger beneath the surface
The days stream on.
I am not nearing the limit
I am shrinking from hope.

I turn my eyes from expectancy with a shutter
Deeply, I realize I must leave my fairytale life
And walk away with my days in my pocket
A treasure------mine to spend.

A Verse to the Wise

September 28

A Verse to the Wise

Encoding truth into poetry makes reality survivable by giving readers the opportunity to dig truth up like diamonds. Throwing certainty in peoples faces like cold water give them a wake up call but nothing to embrace. The beauty of semaphore is the dance that need not be understood by everyone who sees it. Communication through device leaves headroom and breathing space while acceptance might be reached. The current of a conversation often leads me to face the facts, but a tsunami of candor could drown me.

Exhaust reaction with reason

*

DENY ONE---DENY THE OTHER

If you want to deny the problem

By necessity you must deny the solution.

Resolving a problem whose existence is rejected

Creates a split in the crust of collusion.

Often times the convolution and reconvolution of addiction

Causes a bloated roiling mass

That rolls through the streets of sanity.

How can a wedge be cut in a creature so dense.

How can I work on piecing together remedies

When I am readily assured by fellow sufferers

There is NO DISEASE?

Can I trust my personal depletions?

Can I employ faith to a resolution

When faith is utilized to fortify

The contagion I/m told doesn’t exist

But if not faith what?

Do You Hear That Sound?

September 10

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND?



I was running on empty and thought I was getting along that way but the smoke gave me away. My life had caught on fire and I burned it to the ground. I thought nothing had been apparent until it all lay in ashes. My sponsor said, “no, we all knew when your tank ran dry. The sucking sound could be heard for miles around.”
I asked her, if that were true, why I hadn’t heard it myself?
She said, she guessed I had my denial turned up too loud.


Box a gift to be set free at a later date.