Wet Blanket

March 19

WET BLANKET

I have carried this sodden thing with me all my life, its weight a burden for numerous years.  I have never been able to explain my continuing drag of this pitiful thing.  Though it has been commented on by many, my fidelity is boundless.  In spite of inner questions and doubts, now that the fire is here, I am glad to have it.  I pull it over me and step into the fray.  Thick and moist, I somehow struggle under its influence and am able to do what others, bare of my encumbrance, cannot.  I don’t believe I can quench all the flames, but I hope to help some to safety and bat down the encroaching inferno a bit.

Acknowledge the upswings in your value.

*

Bent, Spindled, Mutilated

Injury changes memory,

not just the memory of the individual trauma,

but the very nature of the mind.

The hooks and loops distort

and I can’t hold on as I once did.

The misses and disconnects become more frequent,

then they become expected.

Emotional fluff-ups do not suffice,

the hardware is damaged

and a positive attitude is advisable

but the pliers are a necessity.

Some things are easier to break than to repair,

in fact most things are easier to break, no skill required,

though some take it on as skill,

Most destruction is ignorant or accidental,

nothing personal just a part of a pain filled landscape.

Direct intervention is not the same as hands-free degradation,

though both have their cost.

Redemption, restoration, is sought from all comers.

Possibilities and probabilities stack;

action is a relief, whether or not it is a fix.

I take a breath to face the final blow,

for when the cost adds up

and I look for recompense

all I hear is the check is in the mail

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Amends

January 28

AMENDS

Amends is about truth and change.  The relationships of my past were places of little truth and even less change.  I tried to be nice not honest; I tried to keep things going even when they needed to die.  Making amends has ended most of my relationships from the past.  A quick strong 10^th step keeps me from starting too many new ones.  Good healthy relationships require time and attention, so this necessitates a short list.  Sometimes I wish for more quantity, but I realize in sobriety I cannot accept less quality.

Tie your shoes with humor.

*

Simplicity Itself

My life runs at a Gilbert and Sullivan pace,

with about as much sense and comic relief.

You say 'keep it simple'

and my disease says 'why ruin a good play?’

The truth is this is not play at all

but a work that consumes my life from me

and doesn't thank me for my time.

Simplicity for me requires respect,

a gift I selectively give myself

a gift that I often use only as a shield during battle.

My past method of increased self-respect

is life in a war zone, this is no solution.

Release of grief, this is the onerous path I avoid taking.

Purging the wrong thinking and action of others

from my blood, my eyes, my skin,

allows me to lift my chin and square my soul.

To plumb and level living,

don self-respect as a birth right

and set a calendar fit for plausible life, a simple life.

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

Sackcloth

October 3

Sackcloth

Tragedy is a tale unfinished.  Life is far longer than calamity can endure.  I will not give up, not even when hope is lost, for life carries forward; more is filled with optimism.  Threads break, but the fabric is woven still, flowing off the living loom waiting to be used.  I will cut my swath and fashion a garment to wear and if sometimes it is filled with ashes I will sit and grieve all the while knowing that this is never the stories end.

See through your own shades

*

AMENDS

Amends is about truth and change.

The relationships of my past

Were places of little truth

And even less change.

I tried to be nice----not honest

I tried to keep things going

Even when they needed to die.

Making amends has ended

Most of my relationships from the past.

A quick 10^th step keeps me

From starting too many new ones.

Good healthy relationships

Require time and attention

So this necessitates a short list.

Sometimes I wish for more quantity

But I realize in sobriety

I cannot accept less quality.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

One Street off Amory

September 27

One Street off Amory

Apology holds change at arms length.  Apology is the thing I was taught to wait for as a sign that things will improve, but apology is not a harbinger of change it is quite the opposite it is the guarantor of business as usual; no amendment need occur, apology has been made and life goes on with no alteration.  Without variation we all stay sick and apologizing for that won’t get us better.  Restitution, amends, revelation, revolution these are the things which make the world bright, apology is just a scrap with which to wipe your ass.

Put down your bat, skip your rope

*

ALSO A GIFT

Sadness is as life affirming as joy

But in the same way that people eat together

But defecate alone, joy is encouraged in public

And sadness is a private matter.

Happiness is embraced and discouragement relegated

Even though personal experience shows disappointment

Is often a point of growth.

What beauty and change stem from disillusion

But still it is hard to look directly

At grief and not flinch away.

The temptation to fain pleasure

And leave sadness swept under the carpet is strong.

It is an unwelcome job to be the defender of grief

A job which should be unnecessary to defend

We are not giants who can step

From one mountaintop to the next.

You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/More-Sober-The-Way-Sane/dp/144141231X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374072329&sr=8-3&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/Lines-My-Life-Sherrie-Theriault/dp/1448652820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374072576&sr=1-1&keywords=Lines+from+my+life%2C+Sherrie+theriault

Screaming Lethargy

September 26

SCREAMING LETHARGY

The screaming lethargy of being alive after many years of wanting something else, the exhaustion of pulsing, breathing, waves and waves of thinking.  Yet as tired as I am, I am.  Here without a doubt, I stand.  No crawling for I have not fallen, no climbing for I have reached the plain.  I wait for the rain to wash over me, the truth to run through me, time to pass by me.  As if on a free trip to an unwelcome destination I arrive with randomly packed bags and low expectations.  I’m here now.  The train doesn’t seem to be moving on.  I might as well leave the station, nothing to do on the platform.  There may be points of interest or flowers to be smelled.  I step haltingly and fear making any connection to this unbidden place.  My name is unknown; I befriend the lamppost, the birds, the street.  I am tired of travel, fearful of arrival.  Fury courses through my veins but the weather is pleasant, I might take off my coat and stay.

Plan a trip with no destination.

*

One Street off Amory

Apology holds change at arms length.

Apology is the thing I was taught to wait for

as a sign that things will improve,

but apology is not a harbinger of change.

It is quite the opposite

it is the guarantor of business as usual;

no amendment need occur,

apology has been made and life goes on with no alteration.

Without variation we all stay sick

and apologizing for that won’t get us better.

Restitution, amends, revelation, revolution

these are the things which make the world bright,

Apology is just a scrap with which to wipe your ass.

Humility

September 19

HUMILITY

A great woman walks my street everyday.  She carries a tall walking stick with a loop for her hand.  Each morning I see her low crown of hair and the half-smile, her friendly wave when I catch her eye.  Each morning when I see her I see the secret play across her face, humility.  This is the secret she cannot share.  I know she would sing it from the mountaintops if it would help, but humility is not a secret you can tell; it’s a secret you have to live with.  As I slowly learn this precious thing I see it shine in others.  Recognition of the persons with inborn dignity and a keen understanding of their personal value lights inside me.  When I see this fine woman walking with purpose, I appreciate myself better and am so very grateful for those who keep humility alive by living it.

Know your friends well and your books better.

*

Toolbox

I know just how hard it is to pick up the right tools.

It's like I know I have a hammer in the drawer,

in fact I have two, so, why oh, why do I feel compelled

to hit things with the heel of my shoe?

Trust and believe it is ineffective at best;

additionally it is embarrassing.

I wish I could say I have done this a handful of times,

unfortunately, I have done it over and over,

it’s hell on my shoes and worse on my morale.

Using what is at hand or foot may seem practical,

but it is not prudent.

Walking myself through the step by step process;

reading and following directions is easier

but only when I disengage the lie that says it’s harder.

I Am

August 16

I AM

I am my own hope.

The spring of willingness flows within me and makes everything possible.

I am my own dream.

Colors and sprinkles fly in my mind and mix with a sprite's laugh and make me enchanted.

I am my own joy.

Filled with wonder and delight, my quick turns and ready mind warm my heart and pink my cheeks.

I am my own prize.

New and exciting, every day that I am myself,

I win.

Pith is dry and dead, be marrow.

*

Dewy, Cheatum & Howe

I must radically sever the close connection I have

with self-seeking, self-pity and dishonesty.

What will I use to pay the retainer

for the representation I will need to pursue this divorce?

Willingness is the earnest money,

which will start the ball rolling,

hard work pitches in its share

and faith pays the note each day I apply it.

All this and more is what it takes to divide

the endless stream of my compulsive thought

into a survivable day’s worth of life.

I have the prospect of being happy as a divorcee

or I could be a miserable widow

if I stay wed to my disease.

Hostage Doll

June 7

HOSTAGE DOLL

A doll stands wedged between two mailboxes, naked and exposed, the edge of the road passing her by.  She is there to pay for my self-loathing.  I throw my treasures in the air as skeet to be shot and shattered.  Hate is the obnoxious microbe, which sours my digestion and rids me of nutrition and affection.  I purge love and tenderness.  I rip the covers from my playthings and leave them to bleed.  I hide in my self-destruction.  I put garish displays street-side and cry my tears alone.  I can not ransom innocence to pay the price of fear.  I must bring in the broken babies and put hate out on the curb.

Tickle wit with realism.

*

Weight Problem

I have trouble raising my 50 pound hand in meetings.

In between meetings I have the problem

of trying to dial the 500 pound phone.

Which leaves me with this 2,000 pound weight

on my chest and no air to breathe, no life to lead.

There is the difficulty of the relentless tyrant,

my would be sponsor, the person I fail to ask.

Plus the home group that does not support me,

since they do not know my name.

All the while folks laugh and talk and have a good time,

I can see none of them have suffered from my weight problem

Amends

January 28

AMENDS

Amends is about truth and change. The relationships of my past were places of little truth and even less change. I tried to be nice not honest; I tried to keep things going even when they needed to die. Making amends has ended most of my relationships from the past. A quick strong 10^th step keeps me from starting too many new ones. Good healthy relationships require time and attention, so this necessitates a short list. Sometimes I wish for more quantity, but I realize in sobriety I cannot accept less quality.

Tie your shoes with humor.

*

Simplicity Itself

My life runs at a Gilbert and Sullivan pace,

with about as much sense and comic relief.

You say 'keep it simple'

and my disease says 'why ruin a good play?’

The truth is this is not play at all

but a work that consumes my life from me

and doesn't thank me for my time.

Simplicity for me requires respect,

a gift I selectively give myself

a gift that I often use only as a shield during battle.

My past method of increased self-respect

is life in a war zone, this is no solution.

Release of grief, this is the onerous path I avoid taking.

Purging the wrong thinking and action of others

from my blood, my eyes, my skin,

allows me to lift my chin and square my soul.

To plumb and level living,

don self-respect as a birth right

and set a calendar fit for plausible life, a simple life.

One Street off Armory

September 27

One Street off Amory

Apology holds change at arms length. Apology is the thing I was taught to wait for as a sign that things will improve, but apology is not a harbinger of change it is quite the opposite it is the guarantor of business as usual; no amendment need occur, apology has been made and life goes on with no alteration. Without variation we all stay sick and apologizing for that won’t get us better. Restitution, amends, revelation, revolution these are the things which make the world bright, apology is just a scrap with which to wipe your ass.

Put down your bat, skip your rope

*

ALSO A GIFT

Sadness is as life affirming as joy

But in the same way that people eat together

But defecate alone, joy is encouraged in public

And sadness is a private matter.

Happiness is embraced and discouragement relegated

Even though personal experience shows disappointment

Is often a point of growth.

What beauty and change stem from disillusion

But still it is hard to look directly

At grief and not flinch away.

The temptation to fain pleasure

And leave sadness swept under the carpet is strong.

It is an unwelcome job to be the defender of grief

A job which should be unnecessary to defend

We are not giants who can step

From one mountaintop to the next.