Wales

July 14

Wales

It is safe for the houses to sleep in the streets, but not for me.  I cannot follow that which is so right and regular for mundane things.  I am a jagged piece and it is hard for me to find my place.

The sun comes though everyone’s windows and peeks around the blinds left down.  I must mind my manners and not be a nuisance or a bother; draw no undue attention to my brightness, carry a basket to hide it in.

And while every river can drown its sorrows in the rush of the downhill sweep to the sea; I must stand here stock cold sober and bear the pain appointed to me.

Curl your fingers into the tangles of life and hang on

*

WAKE

Don’t worry that you might spoil the procession

By getting out of your coffin.

You don’t need to lie there waiting for the lid to close.

People will walk past saying ---so sad---too bad

But don’t lie instate just to keep them from feeling

Their trip was a waste.

Just because the crypt has been purchased

Doesn’t mean you’re ready to go.

There are still opportunities to dance.

Don’t die for love, glory or pride.

Don’t die before your time.

Death is only an honor

If you lived every preceding second.

Old Nasty

July 13

Old Nasty

My addiction is like a Percheron, bigger and more powerful than I am, but what I have learned is that if I treat this horse with due respect and a guiding hand from my recovery and my Higher Power I can harness the energy of my illness and use its’ force to make my life work.  I can never be the master of alcoholism, but I can see it for what it is; an overgrown instinct looking for an outlet.  When I am given my way out I take this beast with me and when I value that partnership we are both safe.  When I have tried to lock it in a stall and run far from the barn, it kicks my life down.  When I put my head in the yoke willingly, together we are led and we do the work which is fulfilling and rich.  I was meant to work in a team, I am grateful to have a teammate.

Close your eyes and look at yourself

*

QUICK-------SAND !!!!!!

Don’t ask how deep the quicksand is. Said my sponsor.

It’s your job to get out of it--not quantify it.

I’m not sure how to get out.

Will you come and get me. I ask her?

No Darling, if I get in we will both be down for the count

The only chance we have for me to help you

Is if I stay out of the morass

With my feet firmly on solid ground.

What if you can’t get me out. I cry?

I will go get more help.

What if all of AA can’t get me out?

Angel, my hope is, that if there was no way out

You wouldn’t even know you were stuck.

A Year For Me

July 12

A Year for Me

The world is my mollusk and I am its pennyweight paragon, witty girl that I am.  I have spent enough time surrounded by wet feet and confining shells, all held at the bottom of the sea.  This is a year for me.  I am going to climb over the rim of my briny brink and try myself against the fearsome winds of chance.  Although souse is buoyant I feel strong enough to stand my ground.  Time has come for life, open and raw, but I shall leave the clams to the casino.

Allow ticklish issues to make you laugh

*

HOLD THE LINE

Relax is not the same as give up.

Unwind is not fray.

Letting go doesn’t mean never grab hold.

It is important to have moderation in all things

Including moderation, exuberance and enthusiasm,

These are wonderful in their season

Too much and I could get an adrenaline addiction.

Make sure your song has more than one note

And make sure you sing more than one song in your life.

Change, interest and excitement are vital to my existence

If you take all the spikes and ridges

Out of your life line

It means you’re Dead.

Let God Do What?

July 11

Let God Do What?

I hesitate to let go to G-d because I fear that G-d doesn’t like me, or likes me now, but doesn’t like me all the time.  I think I got this belief from being the only child of parents who don’t like children.  It never mattered how good I was, how smart or thoughtful, well informed, helpful, I always ended up being treated like I was a burden, someone to be endured.  If only I was likeable, I would think to myself and try recreating me to become….what?  Finally I settled on indispensable, if I could make myself necessary, then my life would be okay. People would need me therefore they would want me.  What I discovered is that people who can’t live without me end up resenting me.  By the time I was so important to others I was no longer important to me, so I didn’t need G-d’s help because I didn’t need anything, I didn’t exist.  Over time what I have settled on are a few truths: People who don’t like kids shouldn’t have them.  And I need G-d’s help to learn how to want to be here on this planet since I was not brought to earth by people who wanted me.

Title your dreams

*

SYMPTOMATIC BOUQUET

My bouquet of symptoms took root in alcoholism

I displayed these blossoms to few.

I thought I could keep these problem posies to myself.

No need to worry

Everyone has a bit of manure in their lives.

Mine hardly seem strange.

Planted in addiction things grew in a dramatic way

Pruning became unworkable,

Drastic measures were required.

Uprooted and exposed these virulent stalks

Created the need for help from better gardeners than I.

Thinned and repotted these character traits

Have fruited many a lovely harvest.

None of which could have happened

Had I been left in the family plot.

Special

July 10

Special

Is it the wiring between my ears, the size of the pump in my chest?  The difference which can be seen when you look from me to the neighbors? I know that you feel me to be special.  I feel me to be special, too, just like you.  Defining that thing, that combination which unlocks the mundane is more than just an attempt to point a finger; it’s a search for that little light.  Close and closer we pull together and that is special, but now I will whisper it, tell you the secret truth is my ability to play.  Come play with me!

Whistle with the tune the wind brings you

*

IT’S MY PARTY

The party I was throwing myself in addiction

Was nothing but a very long wake.

There were no smiles, only murmurs of what might have been.

I was filled with tears I couldn’t cry

And mourned my death as I caused it.

When I took off my little black dress

And stepped from this shroud

I closed the bar, clicked the switch and the dirge stopped.

The funeral ended prematurely

I walked into AA where I learned to be the life of the party.

Night Clothes and Bed Clothes

July 9

Night Clothes and Bed Clothes

Is there any indulgence quite like that of clean sleepwear warm from the laundry?  Pulling on jammies over squeaky clean skin and the little shutter that goes with tired hedonism is a pleasure without formed words, left for grateful sounds and little moans.  Hard work creates more than stability, more than cash flow and more than mere exhaustion, hard work changes my mind about delight and allows me to see it in the most obvious, most subtle of places.  My bed has become haven, hospital, refuge and I am tucked up in my nest and safely out of my mind. 

Tidy around your messy emotions

*

THE WATER YOU DRINK

Anyone who has to be drug to water

Doesn’t deserve a drink. said my sponsor

What about raising the bottom? I question.

I’m not talking about that

I am discussing people you try to convince into recovery

The folks you try to accommodate

.

The ones you attempt to bend reality for

These are the type who will piss in your well

Let me be clear--------

I am not concerned with individuals who piss in the pool

Which is rude and disgusting

But basically not life threatening

.

When your well is defiled

When the place you draw your drinking water from

Is used as a chamber pot--- your life is at risk.

Don’t ever pull your pants down

Over someone’s fresh water

Don’t let anyone squat with their bare ass over your sobriety

Tooth Fairies and Super Heroes

July 8

Tooth Fairies and Super Heroes

I never know who the tooth fairy is going to be.  Who might be the one person who will know CPR in my hour of need.  Which unlikely friend will whisper to me the secret code to my mental lock.  I have been caught off guard by the power of the most unlikely wallflowers.  It is important for me not to prejudge, but even more important to leave space for surprise and the delightful aptitude of those around me and for that matter from strangers on the street.  Also, it is good for me to remember there is change in my pocket and a resuscitation certificate in my wallet. 

Repattern the impressions made on you

*

FAR OFF PLACES

Meetings too near home are unsatisfying to me.

On smooth simple days, local meetings are fine,

I catch a meeting, just slip it in.

On rough days I yearn for an out of town meeting.

After these many 24’s I come to realize I need the ride

As much as I need the meeting.

Like a discontented baby,

I need more that just a trip around the block.

The comfort of taking flight in my car

Is equaled by arriving at some far off AA meeting

Fresh faces and a new take on old woes

Are an antidote to my colicky attitude.

The drive back offers a sense of triumphant homecoming

A good meeting can be had anywhere

Sometimes I just need a change of place

Or a change of pace.