The 24 Hour God

May 10

THE 24 HOUR GOD

Matching a loving God to the horrors of my past has proved impossible for me.  Projecting a connection to an all-powerful God of the ever-foreshortening future seems implausible.  In today, I see a nurturing God.  Not an all purpose God, not a God who serves all.  In my life, there is a God I trust today.  Each morning, when I wake, it is a pleasant surprise to find a God.  Not an expansive God, not a God to fit the continuum, but a nice neat God who fits right in this 24.

Lift your fingers to your scars and feel the gratitude.

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Box-a-week Tao

I am going through so many changes

surrounding the cleaning out and getting rid of process.

The flat sided panic that I experience

while even attempting the smallest disposal seems impossible.

I would deny it if I didn't have the repetition

of this experiment to prove it as fact.

I have now moved into the part of the illness

where I compulsively clean the things that I have emptied

in order to avoid facing the next step, the next box, the next mess.

This is a two part trap:

Part 1. If cleaning can absorb all the time

I will not be able to do anything else.

Part 2.  If I can't keep it clean enough

then I have an excuse to give up

and not empty the next space.

I am trying to keep moving without being mean to myself.

Because mean is worse than mess.